New year BS

Me to myself:

Let’s make a new year resolution, shall we?

Every end of the year I will write about my year in review. And what I’m gonna try to do in the next.

This is like a good throwback. And a to do list for another year.

Hmm.. let’s do this!

2017 started with a really weird trip. I didn’t meet my colony friends as every new year, but I spent it with my maternal family. And I may not have seemed like a good idea at the time. Now that I look at it, it was a memorable one. And I’m thankful it happened. Well, after that I left a job, where people had just started to become good friends. I found a new one. I’m living in a strange city in a different state with a friend because we got our job location as such. I’ve been sick and tired and depressed and lonely. But I did started a blog. 2 so to say. I’ve lost a lot of friends. Didn’t gain many. Have decided that I want to move to this different city which is closer to my home. And settle maybe? I did start to care a lot about people, more than ever. Even they don’t care back. *Rolls eyes* and I’m tired of everything else right now. There are no plans this new year. Except to buy some stuff, watch some stuff, cut bangs again and buy some more stuff.

Gone in a few

I understand change is a natural course of life. But don't you freaking change abruptly. Go back on your word. It's considered as not-good manners. And it affects other people's decisions as well. And it's feels embarrassing and hurtful when the person is abiding, but you're not. Just because you thought what people might think. Or maybe you thought you're better off with your own opinions that others don't matter.

Ok so you get not what I'm pissed off about something. I tell you it's only momentarily and it will all be forgotten come morning. But I wish it wouldn't.

Someone who inspires me

Taylor Swift.

Well I'm not sure about inspiring but I'm very sure I look up to her. From the very beginning. I love the way she writes songs. Don't we all. Well not all songs maybe. But some?

I admire her courage to write about anybody and sing it out to the world. It just says something that your views and opinions matter to you and you're not afraid to put them out in the real world.
I admire her efforts to better herself every time. Change. Her songs change, her music changes. Her stories change. Maybe she gets aggressive with time, but time has bound to hurt us all in different ways. We're ourselves not perfect, and it's not fair to expect from others as well. We are all facing different difficulties and we have a different threshold for bearing them.

I admire her because even after not having much luck in lasting relationships, she's still trying. Moving on. Keeping up with her life. Doing what she does. I don't know if I were in her place, how many mental breakdowns I would've had already. And including all of this, handling herself in front of he media, keeping one with family and friends.

I did start writing listing to her songs. And I am glad. And I'm not saying I'm like her or I want to be her or I want to meet her or anything. It's just that I do admire her and also think she's pretty and smart enough. Ok, sound like I am fan girling a little. I think she deserves it as well. 

Pet peeves

Well if you're like me you'd want to know too. Pet peeves means something that a particular person finds especially annoying. So I'm confused. Annoying about me or annoying about you? Well I'm gonna write down what others may or may not find annoying about me. ( May because they told me so, and may not because they didn't, but I think I know)

As mentioned previously, I'm an awful singer. But I love to sing. Especially if it's pop rock. *Grins*
Well I'm sorry if I annoy you, but I'll let you know - I'm not gonna stop.

I'm depressed a lot. Or sad. Or confused and panicked. These constitute 70% of my emotions. So sorry if I bring you down with me. But after reading "falling into place" I'm not afraid of asking help when I need. I suffer more that I let you know. Believe me.

I'm awfully quiet. Oh you noticed? Tis' not so hard. But I'm built that way. I'm also comfortable with very long silences. And I can listen to you talk endlessly. And I'll still hang out with you the next day.

I'm sure I have many more pet peeves. Playing too many English songs. Talking very slowly over phone, or in real life. Saying "oh I wanna do that" and never doing it. And I'm hella lazy so excuse me. ( If I didn't do the thing that you asked me to) But that's me. And what defines me.

Something that someone told me about myself that I'd never forget

Phew, whatta long title! ... But interesting:)

Well the post isn't long but it took me more time than any. I had to reminisce my life. Like literally. Ok so cutting straight to the chase. Here's a long list of someones that are and have been in my life and the multitude of things said in various attitudes lurking in corners of my brain.

Someone once told me, "you've got big dreams in your eyes"

Someone once told me, and in exact words, "Sid love you always and be the same with me forever"

Someone once told me, "you are different... That's what I like about you... You create your own world"

Someone once told me, "Sid if I was a guy, I'd date you"

Someone once told me, "you're perfect you know"

Someone once told me, "...that's why nobody likes you. You're boring."

Someone once told me and very hate fully, "you're very cunning, you know that?"

Someone once told me, "you're such a crybaby siddhi." "Stop making that loser face everytime you lose."

Someone once told me, "you have a very weird voice. Please don't sing."

When in 4th standard someone once told me, "siddhi you're my favorite just like ladyfinger, my favorite vegetable."

And to end on a very funny note.

Looking at my HSC marks, two different people asked me "did you have an affair or something?"

10 things that make me really happy

Huh. I think I'm gonna have to rack my head for this. Or maybe I'll just list down all the stupid silly things. So here goes

I love spending time with my friends. I mean I just laugh a lot. But it feels good. Or it used to. Does that make me happy? I don't know. I guess I just like it. Or miss it.
Spending time with my brother, planning and doing stupid things has got to be one of them. I'd download some movie and we'd watch together. Or when we made weird milkshakes with ice creams. Or when we were kids, we'd wrap ourselves in blankets and sit at window sill watching fireworks.
Or some moments with my family. On my dad's 50th birthday we literally walked across a mountain in dark while in Goa. That was a good day.

These had to be included because they define me.  For the other silly things would include

Watching comedy shows and laughing on  the silliest jokes. (Oh and laugh on silliest jokes of my friends too!) Watching chick flicks when I'm down (especially 10 things I hate about you. Fav <3)
Trekking. Man I have this in my wish list. I want to run and run in an open field. And hop and jump across the rocks. And climb trees and swing from tree branches. (That makes me sound like a monkey, but yeah)
Reading books. Oh it's like a dream. Waking up on a rainy day, curling up in your sofa, reading a good book. With coffee and blankets to add more to comfyness.
Having a long shower. It's literally one if my hobbies even. Sleeping, reading and long baths. Wash my hair, scrubs and facials. Music all the way.
Long drives. I haven't been on a lot. But I do want to more and more. Get a car, windows down, music playing, driving down wilderness and no one around.
Shopping. Oh how could I not include this. My sister and me, we window shop so much it should be a crime. Mostly because when I want to shop, I'm unstoppable. So not always we opt for actual shopping.
Walking. I do walk a lot. And I make people suffer with me. But those are the best of times.

Watching meteor shower at 3am with friends. Gossiping with my besties about all the things in the world. Late night conversations that close with a really lasting feelings. Randomly texting someone I haven't talked to in a while. Organizing the shit out if my drawers. Cleaning up. Long walks, eating junk. And maybe there are many more things I enjoy and bring me peace.

Anxiety and depression

Feeling blue is nothing new. I've been there a many times and I've been back. But it's the scare that is more troubling.

I am scared of being depressed. Because I know how it feels like. I know it'll be better in a few, and time will heal and all that. But I know in that state, it's freaking difficult to believe any of that. It's like I'm panicking, that I can feel myself slipping. And I feel even if I ask for help, no one can truly understand. It's the uneasiness in my tummy and it weighs my bones down. It feels wrong coursing in my veins somehow. It feels feverish, but you're not so lucky. Feel like crying out, but it doesn't help much.

It is obvious now, to be scared. But I'll get over it. I know. I want to believe. And I will.

Home

Why do you want home, when you don't want home?

I have mixed feelings these days towards home. I miss my home. But at the same time I've been arguing with my parents for various reasons.

There are various reasons why I exactly don't miss home. Well for starters, my parents have gotten bossy these days. My brother has gotten needy. Friends are anyways busy with their own lives. And if I'm already home, nobody would miss me right?

Missing home is normal when you're  away from it. But why? I'm not sure what I miss exactly. I miss the good times I've spent there. I miss them caring for me. I miss the easy laughter that comes to me when I'm home. Mostly I guess it's the feeling that I belong somewhere. It's like a label. "I'm from this certain place. That's my home."

In the end we all want to belong somewhere, don't we?

On the edge, about to fall

Some days it just feels like I'm waiting for it all to get over. As soon as possible. I'll be free. I have no idea what is supposed to get over and what freedom I'm seeking. But I have this feeling and it's keeping me on my toes.

I've had a rough evening. I couldn't sleep. I still can't sleep, hence the ranting. I'm too depressed to sleep. I need courage. I need hope and assurance. I need something to look forward to. No false hopes or accusations. Something real.

I'm desperate trying to prove myself. Trying to push hard. I push and push myself and then fall. And I fall hard. I need something I still can't put into words. Or else I'm just lost.

Lingering feelings

It's only been two hours and I've already completed 3 tasks out of 4. And I've been left with this feeling, this hope that my world is not in the wrong. That I still could be what I want to be. That I am striving towards it. I am likeable and deserved to be liked. I just hope this lasts.

It feels good when people of your generation appreciate you. But it feels even better what people before the before generation talk and agree with you. Accept you. They're the same as us Infact. Playful, joyous. It's just that their views sometimes uncover the generation gap.

I don't have much to say, honestly. I just felt like mentioning it.

This lifetime though

I love the stations in villages, the low heighted ones, with grass growing from the corner of the stones, standing atop little rooftop sheds. I guess I just like simplicity. And somehow deep down I think I choose to like it. That's the keyword for today, "choose".

Maybe you can choose to do specific things. It does not always have to be fate. Or destiny. Or soulmate shiz.

Maybe I'll let you take care of me in another lifetime. I'll let you love me in another lifetime. Or better, we'll fall in love together and grow old and travel the world. But in another lifetime.

But this lifetime though, I choose to stay intact and not be swayed by the destiny bitch.

Sleep deprived

Now I've been awake since yesterday. It's 4am. And as much I'd like to sleep, there's one though constantly nagging my mind.

"I have to wake up at 5am"

How did this happen?

Well, I had 2nd shift, ie 2.30pm to 11pm IST. and I have freaking shift change from the next day, 6.30am to 3pm.
Freaking fucking life.
Now I've been sleep deprived and I'd be more tomorrow. But I'm trying to rack my brain for things to do tomorrow, things to buy tomorrow or thinking of some happy thoughts.

I've been thinking about what I want.

I want to be friends with people here. I want to go out and find new friends. I want to explore the city, learn their language (a little maybe) I want to be better at everything I do. I want to exercise and be fit while breathing fresh air. I want to vent to a friend about how I feel. I want freedom, and at the same time I want to be loved. I don't want to take it. I want to deserve it. New books, new shoes, new dress and new people. In all, new me.

I have a feeling ill go through this sleeplessness again. But I hope I'm this calm and I fare well tomorrow. Sleep, I love you! I'll meet you soon.

Delayed

Most of the times. What you expect is not what you get. And what you get is not what you want. But somehow you've gotta make the best of it anyways.

I've been in these situations a lot of times. If I go on telling my story, it might take forever or maybe a second. But the thing is, it does matter. I want to paint the words right here abstract.

"I never expected to be here. I don't want to be here."

There. I said it. I've thought about it many times. But it ends now. Now that I am in this situation, I've got to work through it. What if my work isn't that great. Or what if I'm far away from home than I've ever been. Or what if I'm broke and bent. It doesn't matter. None of it matters because it's happened and I can do nothing about it. So instead of whining let's do something. Let's pretend that this was your intention all along. I wanted to be here, so far away from home so I can make a better and self reliant person out of myself. I'm no longer a kid, I know. I wanted to be broke for once because once when you're down, you start from scratch. Or at least that's what I do. Then once you've achieved something, any significant little thing; your confidence is restored. And that is what you need all along. Confidence.

I may have been delayed. I am getting slow maybe. Or maybe I'm adjusting. But I'm gonna do my best. (not at my job maybe, because it sucks :p) but I'll try to balance everything in life.

So in the leaving note, I leave 3 epic words. 3 words that form a plan. whenever. wherever.

Accept
Watch
Act

Cheated

Honestly? I feel cruelly cheated.

I've been here 4 days now and I am already regretting it. I've hated this place even before I came here. I had no intention of coming here. If I could I'd leave now. Just let me. I'm not happy. Not at all. Nothing is as it seems. It's much worse than you'd ever expect. And I've always hated the situation where people who are less deserving get the goods and you don't. It's like my dignity has fallen to my feet and my feet are too heavy to move. And I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time. And keep lying to everybody I know that I'm okay. I'm not! I'm so freaking not! And I don't want to be this way.

Please situation, change.

Need to know

Fir maybe the first time I don't know what I feel. I feel sad, maybe and betrayed. I want someone to console me. Because at this point of time I don't think I'd be able to do it for myself.

I know I am all tough and can take anything that comes my way and all that shiz. But this I wasn't expecting. Now I wish I'd prepared myself. I know I'll have to go with it. But not right now. Now is not the time I accept. I'll accept it tonight when  I see my dad's face. That'll either give me Courage or literally break me down.

I want to scream out loud. "I fucking want my family weekends." I do love them. As much I want to be an independent person, I want to never let go of them coz they're the reason I'm what I am. I just can't. At least not right now.

Much more

All this time I've been waiting for the call. Start of a new job finally? Mostly yes. Hopefully yes.

But do I want that? Currently yes. In the long run? Maybe idk. Ever think that maybe, just maybe you were born to be so much more?

I get this feeling every now and then. I don't know what to do with it but I want something that I cannot put my finger on right now ie. I'm not sure of it yet. But there is something for me. Or so as I believe. Don't you?

Maybe mediocre life isn't for us. Maybe we were meant to be, meant to do something so meaningless at the moment but so much more important in the long run. Ever think of that?

Financially speaking..

I don't know how life works or so but recently this is what happened.

I'm low on cash as always, and I'm surfing the Internet and I come across this pdf drive where 1000s of books are available. Waiting for us to download them. So I downloaded some Oracle related books I thought I'll try and then I went to look over the rest of the content. And I wanted a book, 'rich dad, poor dad' because I think the topic was relatable.

So today I start reading this book. And what I read in this book is so freaking damn relatable!! So relatable that it scared me. Maybe I'm poor? But I don't want to accept. So I'm a fighter. But even though I can always ask for money or save some up, I'm mostly broke. I haven't even started earning and I'm already into huge debt. I definitely agree with what the writer speaks about our parents believes that hard work pays off. In the sense that we study to earn and that is wrong. And we do have a lovely home, but I guess that's all we have. My parents think it as the best investment they made. But the sentence I read today turned me off. It said, "house is a liability, not an investment. If it's an investment for you, you're in serious trouble". And a part of me agrees. So what to do now. No i haven't finished the book, but I'll like to learn and grow as I am reading it.

So I've decided as anyways I vent about stuff I rather vent about financial matters. Matters that matter. I could find some other place to cry for my sins maybe. Or find and actual person to vent out to. Buy for now, this is it. Lets see how this works out. Peace be with you.

Dumb and dumber

No I'm not talking about the tv show. I was into all of that when I was 6. No. This is me describing myself how I feel about myself every other day. I'm dumb today, I'll be dumber tomorrow. And today being one of the days I experienced it and I'm gonna write it down and maybe try to make myself feel better by arguing how it's not so bad.

OK so ever get the feeling that you're getting dumber day by day? I've been getting the same these years. Although I've been pouring knowledge like it's from an endless source, I feel like I'm loosing my common sense. Which is highly necessary in my opinion. I've been living life like I'm a smart person. Which I'm not. But the belief and the confidence can do you lots. And today I made the mistake of showing people that I'm smart maybe by mistake itself. (that's what I think they think) anyway. But I realise, I maybe smart by mistake but I have courage to make them. And by making mistakes you understand where you stand. It's like surveying the ground, you find garbage and shit but you may find something that you might need some day or something actually useful that nobody thought they'd find it this way. Maybe once you found crap when people were watching but it won't be that all the time. Plus, why does that matter? Firstly it shouldn't matter what people think. I just shouldn't. They don't know you or the shit you've been through. Secondly, if your habits do you good, you shouldn't be ashamed.

I've had a way myself.. I stumble across things. And I feel like an idiot to accept that. That's what happened and that's what I've been trying to put through.

Glimpse of sunshine

It rained today. It rained bad. I'm not against rain or so, but it gets cold. And I prefer warmth. Unlike all the other days when you know it's gonna be a sunny day, today was different. Mostly because I realized something that I'd usually ignore or let be. But today i want to point it out. I want it to mean something even if it doesn't. Because even though I don't love the sun, I enjoy the glimpse of sunshine on a rainy day.

2 seconds. He looked at me 2 second. Or maybe he did, because it wasn't so bright but I felt like it. Don't you feel it when someone is looking at you? Must've had that feeling sometime! And then it was gone. Because I'm a coward. I'm afraid. I'm scared of God knows what. Maybe it's embarrassment or shyness. But that moment was gone. But still on my mind for a while now. If I had a pen and paper at hand, I would've written a song by now, that probably no one would've heard or a piece of paper crumpled and thrown in the garbage can because this is among one of the many crushes I've had? No one can say for sure. Neither can I.

I wish I could change and get my life in control. I wish I could be a little of things, could do a lot of things. But today, this is it. Taking pleasure in glimpse of sunshine and wondering if there would be a rainbow to see.

Adopt

I'm not talking about adopting human babies nor puppies. I'm talking here of adopting habits.

I'm sure my parents think I'm heck of a lose who can't live up to their expectations. Well, this is the time to prove them wrong. One month, no see. So much can change in a month.

I could be fitter and fairer. I could be smart worker as I was before. I loved to code, btw. I could save some money. I could do a lot of things they wouldn't have thought of. And it is time to adopt. A habit a day. 30 days challenge.

June here I come.

Boyz

There's a norm difference between guys and girls. I look at my actions and I confirm that I'm a girl, or at least raised like one.

I can see it all. How stupid, how dumb, how irrational decisions are made; and yet i go with them. I don't stand against. I don't want to be alone. Left alone. Scared of God knows what?

That's one of the major difference you see. A guy doesn't care about that. At least the guys I know wouldn't care, if they were in my place. They would've done what's right. And me on other hand. Love to make my daddy cry. I wanna stay in a cozy place even though he cannot afford it for me. I wanna eat 2 times meals a day. I don't wanna tire myself of walking. I'm ashamed. Of the person I've become. I wasn't this person. Yes, financially speaking maybe I was. But I don't get sicked into hell hole by assholes. I stand by my choice. I trust my instincts. My fucking gut, which I've lost somewhere, somehow.

Tomorrow I'm gonna be a new person. I'm gonna stand for my family. I'm gonna stand by my gut. Even though everyone is against. And I'll fucking implement. I have trust in me. I love my family.

Exhausted

What is exhaustion exactly? When you have given all you've got. And you've got nothing left.

I'm not exhausted in physical sense. Financial. God, I hate money! I've used up all my savings and now I have to depend on my dad again. I hate it that he can't give me what I want when I want. If like to leave that to myself. If I could. Maybe I can. But I think too much of what the society thinks of me. Not much already, but why take the chance? I'm gutless.

And living life over. Maybe with an opportunity or not. Scared to death to think of telling my dad that I might require more money. Why does this happen. Why do the thing we think doesn't happen.?

Just venting it out

Just get over it. Do what needs to be done. Think about the consequences later on. Because that's what I do.

And then I sit and cry over what happened and how should I have thought about it before.

I'm caged. I'm exhausted. I'm longing for an escape. Now matter how it looks like.

I want to run away. I want to hide until it all is okay. What I want is peace. What I want is eternity. What I want is love. What I want is lust. Well I want it all. And at the same time I want to do nothing at all. Sleep. Unconscious. Sweet dreamland.

What is life meant for? What do you finally have to achieve? Riches? Knowledge? State of mind? What do I freaking do with all of this?

So not in mood.

I dream

In this chaotic mess of life, I have a dream.

I dream, I have a steady respectful job that I love, and nice salary(that's the first thing on my mind right now) and I work with really nice people and spend quality time. I dream I have a trustworthy friends who respect me and love me and would never leave me or replace me and come running for help even when I don't ask the to but i do need some(coz I'm really not the one for asking type.) I dream my parents are happy. Full of life and ageing beautifully. I dream I can provide my brother every help he needs and be there for him. I dream I have no regrets for anything in my life, no guilt. I dream I have a person who is committed to me, loves me and is proud of me and thinks I'm silly but smart at the same time and I'm proud to show him off to everybody. I dream I have made my parents proud and I have served my purpose because we are here for a reason. The reason I learn, and I'm fulfilled.

I dream I wake up early every morning and go out for a run. I have a flat belly and have nicer boobs. I go to this job and I come home to this trustworthy human i call second half. On weekends I meet my friends and treat myself for I've made through another week. I dream. I dream some day I'll get to make life and although I'm a tinsy bit scared of handling children, I'll have my own who would be easier to manage(ofcourse) i dream every night before I go to sleep I read and then fall asleep, sometimes I fall asleep even when I'm reading. I dream I grow old and better every day and I have made most right decisions in my life and and rewarding myself for the work I've done. I dream I'm in this house, not huge but has a fireplace and I'm sitting next to a small fire all cozy sipping coffee and reading a book. Sometimes I dream I learn to play an instrument and sing my own songs, and people hear and they want to hear  more. Thousands and millions and gazillions of people. I'm appreciated for my being and loved and cared for.

I dream. I dream...

Free falling

Ever get the feeling where you're falling. Just falling. Endless. Constant.

It's the great depression.

It's like you're falling face up. And there are these branches and surface to hold on to but the branches just pass through you and your hand always grazing the surface. You're afraid to hold on to anything there because maybe it's real. Maybe it's not.

If it is real, you could stop falling. Hold on to something. There's hope at last. But you don't. Because maybe it's not real. And if you extend your hand and it passes through your hopes, would you dare to try again? False hopes. Hallucinations. Fake and far.

But it's a long way down to figure it out.

Pushover

How do you take life decisions?

I'm in a mess right now. I'm stressing over things that have happened, are about to happen and are happening. I know what kind of life I want. I want a laid back life where I earn a  fixed income, growing at a substantial rate though and buy the things I need and save for the dreams that matter. Now if someone tells me you have to work hard for the life you want is going to get a knife in their gut because that is an unacceptable answer.

I want an easier life. A simple life. Life where what I want is in my reach. Where my goals don't seem too unreal. And I believe it is possible.

Up until now all I have been is a pushover. Although I sought this term from friends tv series, but I can relate to it deeply. I've gone where the wind would take me. But is it such a bad thing? I want a simple life so what's wrong with being a pushover?

Instinct

Today I wanna talk about instinct. The one that makes you do the things you do. The thing that makes you say the things you say. That gut feeling. That inner voice in your head.

I've always trusted my instinct. I mean it could be wrong or it could've lead me wrong but if could do it over, I'd still listen to that sad but daring little voice in my head. But today, today I felt wrong. It went wrong. I don't know how, or I'm not exactly sure why.

As I've been in this whole new job search thing, I really really wanted this job. Mostly because it was right for me in so many ways. I was at perfect distance. It paid almost alright salary. It was what I'd have liked to do. It was the right company. Or so I thought. And the interview.. Oh it went like I would've never imagined. And there's no bond or anything.

But sucks. I didn't get in. I studied freaking data structures for it. The one thing I hate most next to networking.

I feel useless right now. I've lost my instinct. Do they restore and come back again? If you know a thing or two about this stuff, let me now.

What do you want to be?

Well, I've been unemployed for like 10 working days now. And I'm already in overhead of finding my next job. As difficult it is for me to find, simultaneously I'm not so sure what exactly it is that I want to do. What do I really want to do?

I've been looking at the courses and their fees structure and rethinking again. I want to learn. But I want to apply what I learn. I guess I've picked this fear over engineering that I've done and my previous. There was  absolutely no co-relation. I don't want to continue the same! What I want is a fixed goal. I want to learn and work hard and smart and apply myself. Prove it to myself.

What I want to is to be a master of my own fate.

Have you ever felt like everytime you do something or achieve something or go through something, ever get a feeling that you've not given your all? Like you could've done even better if you'd just tried. I've felt like this always. And I have no idea what I'd do with it. Maybe o could do something off of it. But I know I'd forget all about it a soon as I get a stupid new job. And I start earning basic money again. But I don't want that originally. I want to do something that when I do it, each and everyday I'll prove to myself that I'm worth.

Well, that is me currently.

Sleeplessness

Ok. So I've had a long day today. I've been to another city and back. Plus to top that I've had one of the worse interview experience. And to top that too, after interview I had to face relatives and cousins who may or may not be doing better than me.

My day started at pervious night mostly. That's because I couldn't sleep much. I woke up at four am to go to an interview that I didn't want to go for. I couldn't sleep in the train because nature was so beautiful. No seriously! I may have decided my future vacation home. And when I arrived at that big 'ol company, I was rushed into the interview like they just had to get done with me. No preparations, nothing. Also they do not like people who have progressive thinking. They like people who have mugged up concepts and robot minded. I really really wanted to earn the job though, and slap in their face by rejecting the offer. But I couldn't. Because I didn't crack the robotic interview.

I've been trying to tell myself that I didn't want it in the first place. But it is so very difficult to believe. Feel good, sid!

Moving on, after the realisation completely sinking in our heart and brain we went to see family. Because there is nothing else we could've done for 4 more hours for the next train. And you can obviously imagine later situation..

Now that I'm sitting at home. Tired but still not able to sleep. Tired of disregarding parents expectations. Tired of seeing them try. Tired of life in general. And I'm now not even sure if I'm an average student anymore. Thanks sucky interview.

How do I pick myself up

I've felt down many a times. People do. No biggie. But the important thing how you bounce back. I have my own thing.

1. De-cluttering physically
Off the mess I've made, I like to go back to base 0. Take out all your clothes and re arrange them. Throw out what you don't need. Books too. When I'm hyped with de-cluttering I even clean the house. It feels good. Like you're throwing all the negative thoughts and  keeping the once you need.

2. Treat yourself
After cleaning, I love to take a bath. I even like to take bath when I feel sad. In fact it's one of my hobbies. But not that frequently! (thinking about saving water) Have an ice cream or chocolate. Or a chocolate ice cream. Go out and walk. It is said walking with naked feet on grass makes you rejuvenated. Lie on the grass, and look at the sky. I'd do any of the things as long as I feel good about myself.

3. Make a plan
Now that you love yourself again, think about how can you improvise you or the situation. Someone revealed their problem solving technique to me recently : "Mentally, go far away. As far away as you can, so that your problems look minute. And then rearrange them." and I did like the idea but I've not yet implemented this yet. Personally, I like to write stuff down to get a clear view. My goals, what I'd require what needs to be done, what I can get done the sooner. The latest once are the best, coz as soon as I'm done, I like to strike it off. And oh, it's such a good feeling.

4. Implement
It's like the 80:20 rule. 80% planning and the rest you have to do is show up. It all will be taken care of. If it doesn't, no worries. Try again or a different approach. I love changing. I love trying out new ways to do a thing. See what works out best for you.

And on a leaving note, once you're back up, you will be down again. That's the circle of life. Nobody lives on top forever. Even stars drop. Sun sets. It rains. But it won't stay the same. Times change. And you have to go over everything mentioned above again. So do it with smile. Do it with confidence. Do it while knowing that you will be better than what you were before. Just don't blame yourself. You're good enough.

Bullying

I don't know from where to start.

Maybe when I was really small? As long as I can remember, or so what my mom tells me, I've been bullied. And I cried.

School was a little different. Maybe I was lost in the crowd for anyone to focus on me. But till I came to high-school, bullying changes. I was being teased by a shitty guys name for no reason. And the whole lot of people watched. I said nothing.

College was fun. I had good friends. But the worse you feel is when those friends themselves try and bully you. There were two of such instances. And those were the only two times when I cried in front of people in my college life. And I hate crying in front of people. So basically, I cried.

Now I'm done schooling. I'm done college. I am a well educated person. And I'm still bullied! And so far I've done nothing. I've listened and I've taken it so lightly that I've laughed on that.

How do you stand up to this? You say something? You do something? What do you do when you're feeling helpless? And the rest of the world is just sitting there judging you how weak you are?

I just want them to know that I'm too strong to break. I won't. And I will stand against this nonsense. I guess some people just have to go through it to test themselves. I am a good person. And I hate being bullied. And I'm done with this shit. No more.