Free falling

Ever get the feeling where you're falling. Just falling. Endless. Constant.

It's the great depression.

It's like you're falling face up. And there are these branches and surface to hold on to but the branches just pass through you and your hand always grazing the surface. You're afraid to hold on to anything there because maybe it's real. Maybe it's not.

If it is real, you could stop falling. Hold on to something. There's hope at last. But you don't. Because maybe it's not real. And if you extend your hand and it passes through your hopes, would you dare to try again? False hopes. Hallucinations. Fake and far.

But it's a long way down to figure it out.

Pushover

How do you take life decisions?

I'm in a mess right now. I'm stressing over things that have happened, are about to happen and are happening. I know what kind of life I want. I want a laid back life where I earn a  fixed income, growing at a substantial rate though and buy the things I need and save for the dreams that matter. Now if someone tells me you have to work hard for the life you want is going to get a knife in their gut because that is an unacceptable answer.

I want an easier life. A simple life. Life where what I want is in my reach. Where my goals don't seem too unreal. And I believe it is possible.

Up until now all I have been is a pushover. Although I sought this term from friends tv series, but I can relate to it deeply. I've gone where the wind would take me. But is it such a bad thing? I want a simple life so what's wrong with being a pushover?

Instinct

Today I wanna talk about instinct. The one that makes you do the things you do. The thing that makes you say the things you say. That gut feeling. That inner voice in your head.

I've always trusted my instinct. I mean it could be wrong or it could've lead me wrong but if could do it over, I'd still listen to that sad but daring little voice in my head. But today, today I felt wrong. It went wrong. I don't know how, or I'm not exactly sure why.

As I've been in this whole new job search thing, I really really wanted this job. Mostly because it was right for me in so many ways. I was at perfect distance. It paid almost alright salary. It was what I'd have liked to do. It was the right company. Or so I thought. And the interview.. Oh it went like I would've never imagined. And there's no bond or anything.

But sucks. I didn't get in. I studied freaking data structures for it. The one thing I hate most next to networking.

I feel useless right now. I've lost my instinct. Do they restore and come back again? If you know a thing or two about this stuff, let me now.