Sleep deprived

Now I've been awake since yesterday. It's 4am. And as much I'd like to sleep, there's one though constantly nagging my mind.

"I have to wake up at 5am"

How did this happen?

Well, I had 2nd shift, ie 2.30pm to 11pm IST. and I have freaking shift change from the next day, 6.30am to 3pm.
Freaking fucking life.
Now I've been sleep deprived and I'd be more tomorrow. But I'm trying to rack my brain for things to do tomorrow, things to buy tomorrow or thinking of some happy thoughts.

I've been thinking about what I want.

I want to be friends with people here. I want to go out and find new friends. I want to explore the city, learn their language (a little maybe) I want to be better at everything I do. I want to exercise and be fit while breathing fresh air. I want to vent to a friend about how I feel. I want freedom, and at the same time I want to be loved. I don't want to take it. I want to deserve it. New books, new shoes, new dress and new people. In all, new me.

I have a feeling ill go through this sleeplessness again. But I hope I'm this calm and I fare well tomorrow. Sleep, I love you! I'll meet you soon.

Delayed

Most of the times. What you expect is not what you get. And what you get is not what you want. But somehow you've gotta make the best of it anyways.

I've been in these situations a lot of times. If I go on telling my story, it might take forever or maybe a second. But the thing is, it does matter. I want to paint the words right here abstract.

"I never expected to be here. I don't want to be here."

There. I said it. I've thought about it many times. But it ends now. Now that I am in this situation, I've got to work through it. What if my work isn't that great. Or what if I'm far away from home than I've ever been. Or what if I'm broke and bent. It doesn't matter. None of it matters because it's happened and I can do nothing about it. So instead of whining let's do something. Let's pretend that this was your intention all along. I wanted to be here, so far away from home so I can make a better and self reliant person out of myself. I'm no longer a kid, I know. I wanted to be broke for once because once when you're down, you start from scratch. Or at least that's what I do. Then once you've achieved something, any significant little thing; your confidence is restored. And that is what you need all along. Confidence.

I may have been delayed. I am getting slow maybe. Or maybe I'm adjusting. But I'm gonna do my best. (not at my job maybe, because it sucks :p) but I'll try to balance everything in life.

So in the leaving note, I leave 3 epic words. 3 words that form a plan. whenever. wherever.

Accept
Watch
Act

Cheated

Honestly? I feel cruelly cheated.

I've been here 4 days now and I am already regretting it. I've hated this place even before I came here. I had no intention of coming here. If I could I'd leave now. Just let me. I'm not happy. Not at all. Nothing is as it seems. It's much worse than you'd ever expect. And I've always hated the situation where people who are less deserving get the goods and you don't. It's like my dignity has fallen to my feet and my feet are too heavy to move. And I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time. And keep lying to everybody I know that I'm okay. I'm not! I'm so freaking not! And I don't want to be this way.

Please situation, change.

Need to know

Fir maybe the first time I don't know what I feel. I feel sad, maybe and betrayed. I want someone to console me. Because at this point of time I don't think I'd be able to do it for myself.

I know I am all tough and can take anything that comes my way and all that shiz. But this I wasn't expecting. Now I wish I'd prepared myself. I know I'll have to go with it. But not right now. Now is not the time I accept. I'll accept it tonight when  I see my dad's face. That'll either give me Courage or literally break me down.

I want to scream out loud. "I fucking want my family weekends." I do love them. As much I want to be an independent person, I want to never let go of them coz they're the reason I'm what I am. I just can't. At least not right now.