breakthrough

The more I write, the worse I get with the things that should matter otherwise. 

What is it that I should be doing? No one cares what you do anyway. But you've got to survive! There are so many possibilities, but not one stands out or agrees with. Is the decision to be taken on the rhythm of my heart? Or the clarity in the brain? The consequences, who do they affect? 

I'm definitely getting disoriented as well. The words are not sounding right. The sentences have abrupt meanings. 

Which is why I mentioned at the beginning- the more I write, the worse I get with the things that should matter.

Truly, madly, deeply are all expressions for emotions. The logic has lost sense. Relying on a speculation about the future, is where I am at right now. And it will never be enough. But endure it well. Endure it all. If I can live past that point in time, I will consider I've survived regardless. 

So is there a meaning in doing things this way? Would I want to live my life just to tell others my stories? No. There is so story here. Just the widest range of emotions/feelings. Useless. Unhelpful. Trash and brittle. But they are. And they will. 

So what now? 

EVOL

 "It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place." 

-Red Queen Hypothesis

This has put me in extreme existential crisis. 

I understand the context and I am so baffled by how precise it sounds. It is so precise that it sucks. This thought, I loath it somehow. But I know how the world works and I know it sounds about right. But my nihilist brain reacts in the very same moment to reject the fact. 

I hate struggle. And "Struggle" is what I equate the phrase to. So we are struggling every moment in time. To be where we are. Every day we wake up. Every second that passes. It sounds so tedious. 

Now that I have written it down, I don't want to think about it ever again. I guess being ignorant is another one of my many attributes.  

This is apparently such a whine post. I realize this now. But it just makes me uncomfortable that it is stuck in my head :( 

Blue Period

 Started a really good anime and I have so many things to ponder on. 

Since I read the fountainhead recently I realized the concept for the first episode was very similar. When you feel like the world won't understand what you say, it is art which could convey you to express yourself. Which everyone won't get, but only those who understand you will. It's like you attract the people like yourself. Have I ever? I wonder.

Although the anime is very slow paced, and dives into deeper meaning of things I felt like it works. I wonder when and how it will be usual to ask and wonder about all the arbitrary things that go one in a persons head. I'd say that the before series (before sunrise, sunset, midnight) also starts conversation about life in general, but I felt like it was not well executed. or something like it was portrayed awkwardly. The intent was right, but the application and the conveyance cramped. I wonder if it is based on a book? 

The main emotion these days in anime and books is usually persistence or smartness of a character or the hard work they do or genius. Another major factor is how strong or quick they are, well in an action sequence I mean. The character has to be rightfully badass to capture everyone's attention. But why? Why write/draw something that is so imaginative. How the normal life look like? How can you portray that without spicing it up? 

I can't. I cannot write like they ask me to. I cannot draw like they ask me to. I can see the dissatisfaction. Where are my people? Are there none? People that understand and know what I am doing and why and how.

I am trying to notice the pattern, or how I write particularly. Because I don't think I know anyone satisfied with the way it is already. And I don't intend to change. But maybe if I notice something, I might add to it or it might make it clear what I would want to do? 

Blue period has given me a lot to think about. It sucks that I am not a hard worked. It sucks probably that I do not have talent or motivation. But there should be something I could do? Something I could contribute to?

Organize.

 Blogger has turned me into a rant machine.

Organize. 

We tend to say that to inculcate self-discipline, we need to organize. So that it'd be easier, the process. 

I set my mind, that I'd do this! But knowing myself, I may discontinue in two days or two weeks or not start at all! So what is the essence to write it in my post and post a failure on the blog? 

The I realized that so many people do this! They try new things and they shamelessly move on to others. How guilt free they are! I am adding too many exclamations, I know! But somehow I can't help it!

Back to ourselves. So I set up a routine, would it not make me dependent on the routine itself? I may not think about a certain task until I do the task before it. And maybe the routine will keep me going for few weeks, but I have not yet noticed any habits that I have at all. Unless you count watching something at night till I am tired and then go to sleep. I have no habits at all!

I wake up to work. I have food when it is ready. I surf endlessly randomly. And I work out when I feel like it, after work. If I feel like it. Read a book till I am satisfied, watch anything to entertain self. Go to sleep only when tired. 

I realize being ignorant of things add to worsening of them. I know. But the more I write, the more I realize how arbitrary by life is! Is others life the same way? 

How do I implement a routine after 25+ years of my life?! Would it make a difference? 

After watching so many youtube videos, I can only think of ending my blog in "tell me how you feel about it in the comment section below" - Which shows how disturbed my mind is right now! It scares me how it affects us. How it will be affecting the little children that are growing up. Is this what they are supposed to absorb? Shame!

Back to topic. Routine. Self-discipline. Hard work and perseverance. All these commonly used terms. They feel so wrong to me somehow. 

I finished Ayn Rands fountainhead and I should have loads to say but honestly I am still reeling over the book itself. But the idea in her books, the anti-Altruism theme that she goes by, I wonder if I have such a theme too? I will definitely be something like moth riding a leaf on a steady river current, looking at the bright blue sky. Which is how I would want my life to be, but t 'is not! More like I would be arguing "why? why can't be my life like that. What is wrong with it? And Just let me be!" or something around these lines. Will explore more on this. 

But for now, Routine -Eegh. Will try to abide.