Adopt

I'm not talking about adopting human babies nor puppies. I'm talking here of adopting habits.

I'm sure my parents think I'm heck of a lose who can't live up to their expectations. Well, this is the time to prove them wrong. One month, no see. So much can change in a month.

I could be fitter and fairer. I could be smart worker as I was before. I loved to code, btw. I could save some money. I could do a lot of things they wouldn't have thought of. And it is time to adopt. A habit a day. 30 days challenge.

June here I come.

Boyz

There's a norm difference between guys and girls. I look at my actions and I confirm that I'm a girl, or at least raised like one.

I can see it all. How stupid, how dumb, how irrational decisions are made; and yet i go with them. I don't stand against. I don't want to be alone. Left alone. Scared of God knows what?

That's one of the major difference you see. A guy doesn't care about that. At least the guys I know wouldn't care, if they were in my place. They would've done what's right. And me on other hand. Love to make my daddy cry. I wanna stay in a cozy place even though he cannot afford it for me. I wanna eat 2 times meals a day. I don't wanna tire myself of walking. I'm ashamed. Of the person I've become. I wasn't this person. Yes, financially speaking maybe I was. But I don't get sicked into hell hole by assholes. I stand by my choice. I trust my instincts. My fucking gut, which I've lost somewhere, somehow.

Tomorrow I'm gonna be a new person. I'm gonna stand for my family. I'm gonna stand by my gut. Even though everyone is against. And I'll fucking implement. I have trust in me. I love my family.

Exhausted

What is exhaustion exactly? When you have given all you've got. And you've got nothing left.

I'm not exhausted in physical sense. Financial. God, I hate money! I've used up all my savings and now I have to depend on my dad again. I hate it that he can't give me what I want when I want. If like to leave that to myself. If I could. Maybe I can. But I think too much of what the society thinks of me. Not much already, but why take the chance? I'm gutless.

And living life over. Maybe with an opportunity or not. Scared to death to think of telling my dad that I might require more money. Why does this happen. Why do the thing we think doesn't happen.?

Just venting it out

Just get over it. Do what needs to be done. Think about the consequences later on. Because that's what I do.

And then I sit and cry over what happened and how should I have thought about it before.

I'm caged. I'm exhausted. I'm longing for an escape. Now matter how it looks like.

I want to run away. I want to hide until it all is okay. What I want is peace. What I want is eternity. What I want is love. What I want is lust. Well I want it all. And at the same time I want to do nothing at all. Sleep. Unconscious. Sweet dreamland.

What is life meant for? What do you finally have to achieve? Riches? Knowledge? State of mind? What do I freaking do with all of this?

So not in mood.

I dream

In this chaotic mess of life, I have a dream.

I dream, I have a steady respectful job that I love, and nice salary(that's the first thing on my mind right now) and I work with really nice people and spend quality time. I dream I have a trustworthy friends who respect me and love me and would never leave me or replace me and come running for help even when I don't ask the to but i do need some(coz I'm really not the one for asking type.) I dream my parents are happy. Full of life and ageing beautifully. I dream I can provide my brother every help he needs and be there for him. I dream I have no regrets for anything in my life, no guilt. I dream I have a person who is committed to me, loves me and is proud of me and thinks I'm silly but smart at the same time and I'm proud to show him off to everybody. I dream I have made my parents proud and I have served my purpose because we are here for a reason. The reason I learn, and I'm fulfilled.

I dream I wake up early every morning and go out for a run. I have a flat belly and have nicer boobs. I go to this job and I come home to this trustworthy human i call second half. On weekends I meet my friends and treat myself for I've made through another week. I dream. I dream some day I'll get to make life and although I'm a tinsy bit scared of handling children, I'll have my own who would be easier to manage(ofcourse) i dream every night before I go to sleep I read and then fall asleep, sometimes I fall asleep even when I'm reading. I dream I grow old and better every day and I have made most right decisions in my life and and rewarding myself for the work I've done. I dream I'm in this house, not huge but has a fireplace and I'm sitting next to a small fire all cozy sipping coffee and reading a book. Sometimes I dream I learn to play an instrument and sing my own songs, and people hear and they want to hear  more. Thousands and millions and gazillions of people. I'm appreciated for my being and loved and cared for.

I dream. I dream...