bane of very being

 Struggle. Struggle through failure of your person, of your family, of the situation you are in and your surroundings. Struggle, and you will get through life. 

I will. But tell me first - is it worth it? 

How do people get to where they are in life? Ofcourse it wasn't easy, and I don't know you. And there too many microscopic differences between any two lives. So how do I draw my life looking at yours? 

I see your mistakes and it is obvious to say, "don't make the mistakes I did, learn from them". But if, even if I did make the same mistake, I am in different path of life, these are different people associated with it, I am not you! Maybe it will or will not teach me a different lesson as it did to you. 

So all these non-fiction, autobiographies, self help books that are being sold to me, how are they helping me? How am I to learn about another and construct my life? rectify my mistakes?  Direct myself?

And if it is all pointless, why do we push ourselves so hard? Why am I struggling to keep up? Anxiety helps, but I don't need it! The standards set where I would be judged by the set of people I know, are they important to be achieved? 

Tell me is it necessary getting the social attribution? Why are we contributing to the society? If only to live in harmony, they why do I not feel harmonious within? 

Becoming

So there's this thought and a metaphor in my head that I want to get out properly. It's about Becoming. I do hope I get it right.

I have way too many thoughts on how I want to be. Many ideas and passions to be followed. The person I want to become. Then there are my vague ideas on how I am infact supposed to be. They are probably drawn down to earth by reality but the still exceed who I am. Who I am supposed to be is entirely different in reality as I don't know myself. It's probably fate/destiny as they say. But what do we know how intricate it all is. And all that is remaining is who I am.

Who am I? I am someone that I wanted to become but couldn't. I am someone who is supposed to be something, but I can't. I am all that is forsaken, by myself. 

I have an explicit metaphor for it all. 

Say I wanted to be an ocean. I think I'm supposed to be a sea. But actually, my fate says I'm supposed to be a river. But I'm unaware. All I am is stagnant lake at the top of mountain. I was supposed to flow towards the rest of my destiny. But I'm still. What now? How do I get out of this situation, when I'm cursing myself for not being what I want! Or not being enough? How do I know if I'm supposed to be stagnant as I am or how am I to know how to go and how to flow? 

When you're not who you wanted to be, or who you're supposed to be. How do you face yourself? What am I to feel? Regret? Because I can't be what I want to be. Disappointed? Because I couldn't even be who I'm supposed to be? Or Ignorant? Whatever happens, let it. I've become this, so I shall be?

Honestly I don't think it's an identity crisis. But there are personas to me. And I want to be able to use them perfectly. 

The best is yet to come..or is it?

Ridiculed. Subdued. Uncontemplated.

Yesterday I was in thus state of mind. To reassure, by the end of the day I was alright. Lets see how it started.

My day started waaay early in the morning than I'd like. Rude auto driver, not so interested driving instructor. The person I was "scheduled" to meet was absent without letting me know. Then misdirecting and surprisingly rude! Then person I was supposed to meet after was hours late, snitch but pretty attentive. I survived on water because why not. Came back home and found sleep somehow in hopes of getting over what I was feeling in the moment. Woke up with a headache, prepared dinner like I should and went for more than an hour walk with my headache to watch the burning fire for Holi, just because I wanted to make a wish for it all to get better.

In the midst of all the noise I was alone and vulnerable. I ended up crying in front of an unknown person, then another over the phone and then in the auto on the way home. I had completely lost hope by this time. I have nowhere to go. It feels like shit when people who are generally nice to every little nobody aren't nice to you for some unknown reason. And you don't get closure because you're unable to confront them because here it is -- you can't reach them!

In all the worse days in my life I can't even deduce where to place this day. I've never disclosed the sadness, because it is very depressing than my already depressed life. But. But. But. On my long hour of walk alone and with a podcast ( because you got to be doing something than just staring at random people while walking ) I felt like I wasn't alone. To be precise, I was listening to a mindvalley podcast. I somehow picked it as I was in the 'mood'. Great talk by Tom Bilyeu. (linked below) I honestly felt the change of perspective. I accept somehow I may have ended up with fixed mindset than a learning mindset. I understand where he's coming from because I'm there right now. And I am very much like him at his worse. But times will change I think. I will make it change.

I'm almost at the edge right now. And one more step tomorrow will show where I'd end up. Down the abyss or to my next unparalleled edge. I am mentally preparing myself so I don't fall apart like I did yesterday.

Another thing I've realized is I never take charge or anything. My work, the conversation, any project I am meaning to do, change jobs, do something good, texting first, making a decision. Oh so many things! I think it will all happen in time. But maybe this time, I am being prepared for it. And it is staring me in the face, I am just weak not to accept it yet.

It'll be alright in the end, wouldn't it? Like all those spoilers?

https://podcast.mindvalley.com/why-terrifying-self-discovery-is-the-only-way-to-succeed-tom-bilyeu/

weakness and ugh!

We are human beings. We have weaknesses. Some people are scared of heights. Some are allergic to walnuts. Some are scared of waters and some are scared of themselves.

Shall I tell you mine? I am lazy. or so I tell my weakness to everyone other than myself. But something that gives me anxiety in real life, something I don't trust myself with is my true weakness.

Carelessness. I've had nightmares about it. I care too much about what others think. And I like to show that I don't care much. I am scared, I might fool myself so bad that I loose everything while I try to show people it does not affect me.

I know it because I've been through it. I know when I am being too careless. I tell myself to keep it in control, not be too much. But sheer manipulation of such a thing is pointless. Because you think you know, but you don't. How is it you try to control yourself so much? or maybe not at all? Because you know, you are letting go or acting like it. But you are tangled in a mess you created and acting like that was your intention all the while. Acting like the tangled threads that entrap you don't bother you. And you're drowning but you're too cool to ask for help. By the last moment you think you have all the power to get out of it and save yourself. But you have never attempted it, so you don't know the true potential of yourself. You think you're everything, but maybe you aren't. And you find out maybe in the end moments? And all this while you think you won't regret anything when it is your last, but in the last moment that you thought would never come, it's here and it is the first time in your entire life you're regretting. Maybe you should have shown more care.

I sometimes feel premonitions, sudden anxiety, tension in my shoulders, that what would happen if? And I have to calm myself down. Maybe it's building up inside me. Anxiety and panic. And in the worse moment it will hit. Or so I think. I hope I am strong enough to control and turn the tides around. Just like how I think.