The pathway to success

What is success anyway? Don't you tell me what it is. Because I've heard so many definitions and so many advices, and they're no help so I'm dropping them now. 

I don't know what it is. It is like there are more and more coaches or influencers that are trying to guide everyone on what route to take while they stand atop the footpath or a crossroad. While me/we are in our cars driving somewhere, not sure where. I'm trying to look towards them for directions to my unknown destiny, but it's too crowded. It's jammed. The traffic's a mess and I'm not able to see outside, not able to find out where I am anymore. I'm just rolling with people who are rolling just like me, trapped with others mess or following the external guides that are showing path to the commoners. But these self-important people ar growing day by day and too many people advising too many things so traffics a mess. There are many cars burnt down, battery given up, crshing into others and many speeding ahead. This car scenario is pathetic and i just want to get out and walk. Climb to the highest mountain and look at the trajectory. 

I'm sure I'd find road with no end. And temporary ditches, but I want mine to be a supercar with clean design and great horsepower to fly over the ditches and take me far far away. 

This is stupid. This basically means to step out and examine. But in a longabout way. Also, now I hate guides. You're your own person and your destiny can be decided by your own. I really don't care where they're going or what they're telling anymore. And i hope to hold up to this feeling more and more.

breakthrough

The more I write, the worse I get with the things that should matter otherwise. 

What is it that I should be doing? No one cares what you do anyway. But you've got to survive! There are so many possibilities, but not one stands out or agrees with. Is the decision to be taken on the rhythm of my heart? Or the clarity in the brain? The consequences, who do they affect? 

I'm definitely getting disoriented as well. The words are not sounding right. The sentences have abrupt meanings. 

Which is why I mentioned at the beginning- the more I write, the worse I get with the things that should matter.

Truly, madly, deeply are all expressions for emotions. The logic has lost sense. Relying on a speculation about the future, is where I am at right now. And it will never be enough. But endure it well. Endure it all. If I can live past that point in time, I will consider I've survived regardless. 

So is there a meaning in doing things this way? Would I want to live my life just to tell others my stories? No. There is so story here. Just the widest range of emotions/feelings. Useless. Unhelpful. Trash and brittle. But they are. And they will. 

So what now? 

EVOL

 "It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place." 

-Red Queen Hypothesis

This has put me in extreme existential crisis. 

I understand the context and I am so baffled by how precise it sounds. It is so precise that it sucks. This thought, I loath it somehow. But I know how the world works and I know it sounds about right. But my nihilist brain reacts in the very same moment to reject the fact. 

I hate struggle. And "Struggle" is what I equate the phrase to. So we are struggling every moment in time. To be where we are. Every day we wake up. Every second that passes. It sounds so tedious. 

Now that I have written it down, I don't want to think about it ever again. I guess being ignorant is another one of my many attributes.  

This is apparently such a whine post. I realize this now. But it just makes me uncomfortable that it is stuck in my head :( 

Blue Period

 Started a really good anime and I have so many things to ponder on. 

Since I read the fountainhead recently I realized the concept for the first episode was very similar. When you feel like the world won't understand what you say, it is art which could convey you to express yourself. Which everyone won't get, but only those who understand you will. It's like you attract the people like yourself. Have I ever? I wonder.

Although the anime is very slow paced, and dives into deeper meaning of things I felt like it works. I wonder when and how it will be usual to ask and wonder about all the arbitrary things that go one in a persons head. I'd say that the before series (before sunrise, sunset, midnight) also starts conversation about life in general, but I felt like it was not well executed. or something like it was portrayed awkwardly. The intent was right, but the application and the conveyance cramped. I wonder if it is based on a book? 

The main emotion these days in anime and books is usually persistence or smartness of a character or the hard work they do or genius. Another major factor is how strong or quick they are, well in an action sequence I mean. The character has to be rightfully badass to capture everyone's attention. But why? Why write/draw something that is so imaginative. How the normal life look like? How can you portray that without spicing it up? 

I can't. I cannot write like they ask me to. I cannot draw like they ask me to. I can see the dissatisfaction. Where are my people? Are there none? People that understand and know what I am doing and why and how.

I am trying to notice the pattern, or how I write particularly. Because I don't think I know anyone satisfied with the way it is already. And I don't intend to change. But maybe if I notice something, I might add to it or it might make it clear what I would want to do? 

Blue period has given me a lot to think about. It sucks that I am not a hard worked. It sucks probably that I do not have talent or motivation. But there should be something I could do? Something I could contribute to?

Organize.

 Blogger has turned me into a rant machine.

Organize. 

We tend to say that to inculcate self-discipline, we need to organize. So that it'd be easier, the process. 

I set my mind, that I'd do this! But knowing myself, I may discontinue in two days or two weeks or not start at all! So what is the essence to write it in my post and post a failure on the blog? 

The I realized that so many people do this! They try new things and they shamelessly move on to others. How guilt free they are! I am adding too many exclamations, I know! But somehow I can't help it!

Back to ourselves. So I set up a routine, would it not make me dependent on the routine itself? I may not think about a certain task until I do the task before it. And maybe the routine will keep me going for few weeks, but I have not yet noticed any habits that I have at all. Unless you count watching something at night till I am tired and then go to sleep. I have no habits at all!

I wake up to work. I have food when it is ready. I surf endlessly randomly. And I work out when I feel like it, after work. If I feel like it. Read a book till I am satisfied, watch anything to entertain self. Go to sleep only when tired. 

I realize being ignorant of things add to worsening of them. I know. But the more I write, the more I realize how arbitrary by life is! Is others life the same way? 

How do I implement a routine after 25+ years of my life?! Would it make a difference? 

After watching so many youtube videos, I can only think of ending my blog in "tell me how you feel about it in the comment section below" - Which shows how disturbed my mind is right now! It scares me how it affects us. How it will be affecting the little children that are growing up. Is this what they are supposed to absorb? Shame!

Back to topic. Routine. Self-discipline. Hard work and perseverance. All these commonly used terms. They feel so wrong to me somehow. 

I finished Ayn Rands fountainhead and I should have loads to say but honestly I am still reeling over the book itself. But the idea in her books, the anti-Altruism theme that she goes by, I wonder if I have such a theme too? I will definitely be something like moth riding a leaf on a steady river current, looking at the bright blue sky. Which is how I would want my life to be, but t 'is not! More like I would be arguing "why? why can't be my life like that. What is wrong with it? And Just let me be!" or something around these lines. Will explore more on this. 

But for now, Routine -Eegh. Will try to abide.

Classics with a bit of Fountainhead rant

Been reading the Fountainhead and I have numerous thoughts across the length of the book. 

Initially I thought why is this book called the Fountainhead anyway? The name suggests the source, the evolution of ideas. Doesn't seem relevant to the plot. Since the main character, Howard Roark barely speaks and only clear knowledge about him is that he loves the earth and creation, which is why he is a hard headed architect. He thinks he's in the right always and that others don't concern him. Ergo, Ego. 

Later on, when his and Domeniquies lives intervine, most of the time I just thought what a hardcore S&M these both have going on in their heads! This is utter nonsense. To be so perfectly understood, I've been looking for it all my life and haven't have any results to show yet. 

The only time I thought anything at all about their love would be when they give each other up and profess their love to one another. 

Clearly I haven't finished reading the book yet and there may be more on it later. But I found myself wondering why aren't books like these written anymore. If they are, where are they? I am annoyed and fed up of practical and self help, non fictions and aspirational ones. No one has patiance anymore. No one wants to read for pleasure anymore. Everyone wants a quick fix for their life. No one wants to admire the creativity anymore! 

The Fountainhead so far that I have read has not revolved around the main character at all! Which is great because the extent of the universe inside the books seems surreal. There is time to tell a back story for Ellesworth. There's time to understand the working of the world the author has created. There's time to relate it to ours. There's so much time and emotions that flow from every character but the Main one. Also since Roark speaks in one word or less, and his thoughts are not presented in the story. Only his actions, and how the world perceives it. And the effects of his being and the after effects of his doing. 

I started this rant for asking more classics from the world. But somehow this has turned into a book review. But the book it still waiting to be read. 

The Classics of the world won't remain if no one read them. If the world is changing so fast, how will classics arise, or be defined? The love for books or the characters won't be formed if there is no time taken to write them. Or read them. 

To the reader in me

I am not particularly fond of classics or books that spew romance or nameless adventure of any kind. 

But if I pick a book I have the patience to read it all. Consume. Acknowledge what the author is portraying. 

I have been able to do this without any thought. But once I named it, once I put a statement that I can do this. I am unable to anymore. Is this some psychological limitation I wonder? 

But up until now, I have started many a books and they have been kept aside. I will take it as a duty to read them well. 

The reason I am writing now about this concerned topic is my speculation that I may not be a usual reader. I am not the one that reads and preaches. I am not the one that reads and gives criticism. I am not reading for information. I read to understand. I read for pleasure. I read for the feel it gives me when I read something worth reading. Of course that means pleasure but in multiple sense. 

I find it welcoming when I understand what the writer is trying to convey. As long as I get the intensions of the writer and it is within acceptable range. I will read.

There are times when I can't keep a book down. That another form of pleasure I seek. The escape from reality to the fantasy world of the creator. I am not in it. I am not the protagonist. I am just a spectator, but I am an avid spectator in this case.   

Another form of pleasure is where there is loads of easy consumable knowledge. One of a kind, or the odd kind maybe?  It is interesting to know the secrets of the world. The workings of it. The thoughts of the writer who can almost draw your life out on the pages without meeting you. or the one who might be interesting on their own. 

Why am I writing about myself anyway? It is for my own pleasure. I realized, that is how I do things. I keep a book down if it no longer pleases me. Or I don't understand it.

Books, in my opinion are an entity devoid of the beings present. They are an amalgamation of imagination drafted into words. They may or may not contain truth. They may or may not come into being. Irrespective of that they keep us hanging, turning pages, mesmerizing. 

I may or may not write anything as such. But I hope to be contended as an avid reader. 

[Ps I may be influenced, definitely infact by "kakegurui". Which is why "pleasure" is in play in this blog.]   

Here is my goodreads for note- https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/34462113-siddhi?shelf=currently-reading 

Outcome oriented 人

 Ok so, you have decided on your goals and you want to work towards them. Your approach could be to be disciplined and work towards your goal. Give it your all. Do the MAX you can. Well that would be input oriented goal. Which is, well, alright I guess.

But since you have decided on your goal, how did you do that? Didn't you think, Ah! it'd be nice if this(your goal) happened. I wish I could make it come true. And you start working towards it. But every time you go to sleep, you append a bit to your imagination. Once you've fulfilled your dream, the luxury, the love, the pride, you start to inculcate it all little by little. You place yourself in your shoes who has achieved the dream, and wander around. Meet people you know and live the life that could be. 

And when you wake up the next day, you try harder towards being that person.

Honestly, this is way too personal. But that is how it is in my head. And it is definitely an outcome oriented goal. I am striving to become that person. But am I wrong to think this way?

I am comparing myself to myself. I didn't think there is anything wrong with the approach itself. But I do understand not being able to achieve a dream. Even when you're constantly trying and think about it. What happened, power of the universe? What happened to laws of attraction? I am not dependent on the arbitrary, non existent forces, of course. I am trying in tiny bits to better myself and become the person I imagine myself to be. 

But it is tremendous burden to carry. Every single day you see the vast difference between yourself and your goals. There is longing, everyday. There is wishful thinking and craving serendipity. And then there is peacefulness to close your eyes and just let yourself from the imagination take over in dreams. Which is why sleep is such a high. This is why people who are depressed crave sleep. Because they spend their time thinking instead of sleeping. Wishful thinking. 

This is what outcome oriented goal is. 

But how do you manage this? By just not thinking about your outcomes, will it help you focus? Even if you are disciplined, do you not have any outcome oriented goals? Is there never even a flicker of the dream? Of course we do, don't we? As a person with purpose, we are always striving to be higher, to be better. 

Is this not what it is? If it is so, is it not desirable? If it is, how is it you get it? How do you get there? How do you become that? 

I think I'd rather invent alternate reality and live mine through. It has been so exhausting just thinking and writing about it all. How do you solve this mess?  

Motivation 対 Discipline

Well if it isn't my forte to preach about 'anything n everything' and doing absolutely nothing about it, then what is? 

Mind you, I do try though. 

BTW the character between the oh so familiar words in the title is 'vs' in Japanese. Since watching anime, my thoughts ruminate in the flashes of Japanese that I now understand (sometimes)

 Honestly, I have been heavily relying on the outside world for the motivation that I lack. And on watching more random motivation/inspiration videos, I get to know all the things I am doing wrong! Motivation is a MYTH they say. It just puts in a mindset for a time being to actually work on your work that you were supposed to work on. And before today, I thought that was a good thing? At least I am getting things done this way. I am getting my emotions, my heart and head aligned to work on a task. 

I have been doing this so I can verify that it is temporary satisfaction. And to start new task, I would have to wait until I actually feel like doing so. 

Somewhere after watching Ali Abdaal I feel like, I should really stop this. Need to instill discipline! Of course this is also momentary motivation. But the feeling that I lack motivation and crave for it is not unreal.

My goals for this framework include writing of course. But I have been wanting to read more and learn to draw picturesquely(I wonder if I can?), workout (Pamela is not going to wait on me, need to catch up!), sleep plenty and wake up on time. I have never attempted to wake up for myself to spend time on myself. It is always work that wakes me up. And I feel ashamed saying this but of course my life is not work. The things that matter we think they will stay irrespectively. But once the time is gone, there is no turning back. So lets do what we can, if we can?