Ridiculed. Subdued. Uncontemplated.
Yesterday I was in thus state of mind. To reassure, by the end of the day I was alright. Lets see how it started.
My day started waaay early in the morning than I'd like. Rude auto driver, not so interested driving instructor. The person I was "scheduled" to meet was absent without letting me know. Then misdirecting and surprisingly rude! Then person I was supposed to meet after was hours late, snitch but pretty attentive. I survived on water because why not. Came back home and found sleep somehow in hopes of getting over what I was feeling in the moment. Woke up with a headache, prepared dinner like I should and went for more than an hour walk with my headache to watch the burning fire for Holi, just because I wanted to make a wish for it all to get better.
In the midst of all the noise I was alone and vulnerable. I ended up crying in front of an unknown person, then another over the phone and then in the auto on the way home. I had completely lost hope by this time. I have nowhere to go. It feels like shit when people who are generally nice to every little nobody aren't nice to you for some unknown reason. And you don't get closure because you're unable to confront them because here it is -- you can't reach them!
In all the worse days in my life I can't even deduce where to place this day. I've never disclosed the sadness, because it is very depressing than my already depressed life. But. But. But. On my long hour of walk alone and with a podcast ( because you got to be doing something than just staring at random people while walking ) I felt like I wasn't alone. To be precise, I was listening to a mindvalley podcast. I somehow picked it as I was in the 'mood'. Great talk by Tom Bilyeu. (linked below) I honestly felt the change of perspective. I accept somehow I may have ended up with fixed mindset than a learning mindset. I understand where he's coming from because I'm there right now. And I am very much like him at his worse. But times will change I think. I will make it change.
I'm almost at the edge right now. And one more step tomorrow will show where I'd end up. Down the abyss or to my next unparalleled edge. I am mentally preparing myself so I don't fall apart like I did yesterday.
Another thing I've realized is I never take charge or anything. My work, the conversation, any project I am meaning to do, change jobs, do something good, texting first, making a decision. Oh so many things! I think it will all happen in time. But maybe this time, I am being prepared for it. And it is staring me in the face, I am just weak not to accept it yet.
It'll be alright in the end, wouldn't it? Like all those spoilers?
https://podcast.mindvalley.com/why-terrifying-self-discovery-is-the-only-way-to-succeed-tom-bilyeu/
Yesterday I was in thus state of mind. To reassure, by the end of the day I was alright. Lets see how it started.
My day started waaay early in the morning than I'd like. Rude auto driver, not so interested driving instructor. The person I was "scheduled" to meet was absent without letting me know. Then misdirecting and surprisingly rude! Then person I was supposed to meet after was hours late, snitch but pretty attentive. I survived on water because why not. Came back home and found sleep somehow in hopes of getting over what I was feeling in the moment. Woke up with a headache, prepared dinner like I should and went for more than an hour walk with my headache to watch the burning fire for Holi, just because I wanted to make a wish for it all to get better.
In the midst of all the noise I was alone and vulnerable. I ended up crying in front of an unknown person, then another over the phone and then in the auto on the way home. I had completely lost hope by this time. I have nowhere to go. It feels like shit when people who are generally nice to every little nobody aren't nice to you for some unknown reason. And you don't get closure because you're unable to confront them because here it is -- you can't reach them!
In all the worse days in my life I can't even deduce where to place this day. I've never disclosed the sadness, because it is very depressing than my already depressed life. But. But. But. On my long hour of walk alone and with a podcast ( because you got to be doing something than just staring at random people while walking ) I felt like I wasn't alone. To be precise, I was listening to a mindvalley podcast. I somehow picked it as I was in the 'mood'. Great talk by Tom Bilyeu. (linked below) I honestly felt the change of perspective. I accept somehow I may have ended up with fixed mindset than a learning mindset. I understand where he's coming from because I'm there right now. And I am very much like him at his worse. But times will change I think. I will make it change.
I'm almost at the edge right now. And one more step tomorrow will show where I'd end up. Down the abyss or to my next unparalleled edge. I am mentally preparing myself so I don't fall apart like I did yesterday.
Another thing I've realized is I never take charge or anything. My work, the conversation, any project I am meaning to do, change jobs, do something good, texting first, making a decision. Oh so many things! I think it will all happen in time. But maybe this time, I am being prepared for it. And it is staring me in the face, I am just weak not to accept it yet.
It'll be alright in the end, wouldn't it? Like all those spoilers?
https://podcast.mindvalley.com/why-terrifying-self-discovery-is-the-only-way-to-succeed-tom-bilyeu/
