Get help instead

Recalling Katnis Everdeens quote

“Pity does not get you aid. Admiration at your refusal to give in does.”

I don't like being pitied. But there are times when you can't help it. 

But the biggest flaw on mine is that in my head, I interchange pity with help. And I refuse to take help thinking that people would pity me. 

I know it's worng. I know that you should get help whenever you need, without overthinking. But how do I resolve these tangled thoughts?

Currents

Been a while. 

I keep asking myself, "what do you want to be? What do you want to do?" And end up not doing anything. I've realised, no matter how hard you try, there are some things that are just not meant to be. I'd fool myself in thinking that I'd find something even better. But that ray is diminishing day by day. There's a possibility that it all won't amount to anything. 

I'm not afraid or Angy. Rather I'm not even disappointed. Fate, i try to believe in. I may not have an exceeding, multinational, polished personality. But there is a possibility of being something. Miniscule. But it is me. I wonder if it still matters? If I matter? If there has to be a reason for everything? Doesn't matter if the question is big or small. Doesn't matter if it matters or not. Doesn't matter if it is possible or not. In the end, it's not just one person in a moment. It's not even your entire life, that you're so preciously trying to draw. It's something entirely out of our control. And i think that just might be the most exciting thing.

sport

The feeling of your fingertips getting cold in anticipation of a challenge

The feeling of your heart beating loudly while you breath heavily

The feeling of a moment of solitude where you're in complete control and you know you can use this situation to your advantage

As they said correctly, it's only fun if you're good at it. 

Haikyuu, i feel, i remember, i reciprocate even though I'm not involved, in this feeling of being a good sport, this feeling that I had long forgotten. This feeling, of i don't know what to do with. This feeling, i don't know how to use it. 

The moment to look forward to, to anticipate something, to know that you are the one who can turn the tables. That feeling. I miss it.

The pathway to success

What is success anyway? Don't you tell me what it is. Because I've heard so many definitions and so many advices, and they're no help so I'm dropping them now. 

I don't know what it is. It is like there are more and more coaches or influencers that are trying to guide everyone on what route to take while they stand atop the footpath or a crossroad. While me/we are in our cars driving somewhere, not sure where. I'm trying to look towards them for directions to my unknown destiny, but it's too crowded. It's jammed. The traffic's a mess and I'm not able to see outside, not able to find out where I am anymore. I'm just rolling with people who are rolling just like me, trapped with others mess or following the external guides that are showing path to the commoners. But these self-important people ar growing day by day and too many people advising too many things so traffics a mess. There are many cars burnt down, battery given up, crshing into others and many speeding ahead. This car scenario is pathetic and i just want to get out and walk. Climb to the highest mountain and look at the trajectory. 

I'm sure I'd find road with no end. And temporary ditches, but I want mine to be a supercar with clean design and great horsepower to fly over the ditches and take me far far away. 

This is stupid. This basically means to step out and examine. But in a longabout way. Also, now I hate guides. You're your own person and your destiny can be decided by your own. I really don't care where they're going or what they're telling anymore. And i hope to hold up to this feeling more and more.

breakthrough

The more I write, the worse I get with the things that should matter otherwise. 

What is it that I should be doing? No one cares what you do anyway. But you've got to survive! There are so many possibilities, but not one stands out or agrees with. Is the decision to be taken on the rhythm of my heart? Or the clarity in the brain? The consequences, who do they affect? 

I'm definitely getting disoriented as well. The words are not sounding right. The sentences have abrupt meanings. 

Which is why I mentioned at the beginning- the more I write, the worse I get with the things that should matter.

Truly, madly, deeply are all expressions for emotions. The logic has lost sense. Relying on a speculation about the future, is where I am at right now. And it will never be enough. But endure it well. Endure it all. If I can live past that point in time, I will consider I've survived regardless. 

So is there a meaning in doing things this way? Would I want to live my life just to tell others my stories? No. There is so story here. Just the widest range of emotions/feelings. Useless. Unhelpful. Trash and brittle. But they are. And they will. 

So what now? 

EVOL

 "It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place." 

-Red Queen Hypothesis

This has put me in extreme existential crisis. 

I understand the context and I am so baffled by how precise it sounds. It is so precise that it sucks. This thought, I loath it somehow. But I know how the world works and I know it sounds about right. But my nihilist brain reacts in the very same moment to reject the fact. 

I hate struggle. And "Struggle" is what I equate the phrase to. So we are struggling every moment in time. To be where we are. Every day we wake up. Every second that passes. It sounds so tedious. 

Now that I have written it down, I don't want to think about it ever again. I guess being ignorant is another one of my many attributes.  

This is apparently such a whine post. I realize this now. But it just makes me uncomfortable that it is stuck in my head :( 

Blue Period

 Started a really good anime and I have so many things to ponder on. 

Since I read the fountainhead recently I realized the concept for the first episode was very similar. When you feel like the world won't understand what you say, it is art which could convey you to express yourself. Which everyone won't get, but only those who understand you will. It's like you attract the people like yourself. Have I ever? I wonder.

Although the anime is very slow paced, and dives into deeper meaning of things I felt like it works. I wonder when and how it will be usual to ask and wonder about all the arbitrary things that go one in a persons head. I'd say that the before series (before sunrise, sunset, midnight) also starts conversation about life in general, but I felt like it was not well executed. or something like it was portrayed awkwardly. The intent was right, but the application and the conveyance cramped. I wonder if it is based on a book? 

The main emotion these days in anime and books is usually persistence or smartness of a character or the hard work they do or genius. Another major factor is how strong or quick they are, well in an action sequence I mean. The character has to be rightfully badass to capture everyone's attention. But why? Why write/draw something that is so imaginative. How the normal life look like? How can you portray that without spicing it up? 

I can't. I cannot write like they ask me to. I cannot draw like they ask me to. I can see the dissatisfaction. Where are my people? Are there none? People that understand and know what I am doing and why and how.

I am trying to notice the pattern, or how I write particularly. Because I don't think I know anyone satisfied with the way it is already. And I don't intend to change. But maybe if I notice something, I might add to it or it might make it clear what I would want to do? 

Blue period has given me a lot to think about. It sucks that I am not a hard worked. It sucks probably that I do not have talent or motivation. But there should be something I could do? Something I could contribute to?