Fear

I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember bits and pieces. And as far as I can tell, as I am now I think I was way silly. Or way different. And there has been a major drastic change. But if I had to go back and be that girl, would I?

I think it's because you don't know you're doing anything wrong unless someone tells you that you are.

I am afraid of heights. I mean not a vertigo type, but in general. What would a fall from this height do to you kind of thing. But I have this memory of childhood where me and my friends would sit on the edge on a rooftop. I wasn't afraid. I was concerned of course. And now that I think about it, it seems very foolish that we did that because it was very risky. But we didn't realize somehow. Later an adult caught us sitting so and complained to our parents. I hardly went to the rooftop anymore after that. And that is somehow the fear was set.

I am not sure what am I trying to achieve here in this blog post. But I think I saw the world and I learnt to be afraid of things. Sane and not so sane things.

Like once I was singing on top of my voice, horribly actually but just for fun. Just coz I wanted to. Using a toy instrument, trying to irritated my grandma maybe? It's a little hazy, the memory. But yeah that's what I was doing. And later I realized my friends have been calling out to me from my window and I couldn't hear their voice coz it was drowned in my crappy singing. And -they heard the whole thing and burst out laughing. I laughed with them ofcourse. But I was embarrassed a little. And I guess since then I do think about such situations before singing out loud, and terribly if I'm going to.

I mean what's the harm you would say. But to a person like me it affects a little. I think about it before going to sleep or 18 years later. And there are numerous such instances I have not even tried to uncover. Or I picked them up unconsciously?

And the worse thing is, without even realising I have piled these fears on top of each other and I don't know how to unravel. Maybe we just learn to live with it? Is it?

Hopeless

Oh it's not just a word, let me finish the sentence. Hopeless romantic. Yeah, I am! You never know. But I think I am.

I've been binge watching how I met your mother this weekend. And I came across this episode where Ted's mom is getting remarried. And everyone is moving on with their life, and he freaks out. Goes MIA and when he comes back finally turns out he's bought a house.! And I feel ya Ted! He knows it might take him a while to find that one girl/woman, but when he says that this(house) is one of the things I can control (out of her, house and kids) I realized I've been doing the same thing. Well I didn't buy a house but, I am thinking of settling down. Hopefully in the process I'll find him.? Wouldn't I?

The relativity examples

I've come to a realization.

I was listening to this song today. On repeat as usual. For those who think why? Well, I usually play any song on repeat. then I like it. Then I play it endless until I get bored of it. And then I play it after so long that I can remember it like a distant memory of the time I played the song on repeat.

That's me.

So as I was saying. I was playing this song on repeat. And I looked at the playlist and I found another song, I hadn't heard, but I do like that band. And it was exciting. And I wanted to play that next. But I didn't want to pause the current song that I was playing already. I hadn't had enough of it yet.

Ok so people thinking I'm crazy, what stupid excuse is this. What stupid thought. It might not mean anything to you. But it means so much to me. I could derive my actions through this stupid example.

Like, just like the song example, I am fond of the oncoming day. I do want to go out and live it. But it just feels so damn good in bed. I know I'm not gonna get more out of it. But it just feels so good while the moment lasts. And you got to wake up and get outta bed then!

Ok I'll give ya another example. Say I'm sipping cold coffee (on the top of my mind, coz I've been having that a lot) and you come and place a real yum sandwich in front of me. I want to have the sandwich but I'm not through with the cold coffee! I'll suck it dry and lick the insides until I'm sure I won't miss it anymore. Then I'd move on to the sandwich.

It's weird. But it's fun and good to know yourself :P

Hyouka

I've been watching anime like crazy lately. Ya ya, I'm old enough but I do like it. What's your point?

Anyways I'll explain what my point is right here.

"Hyouka" is a Japanese anime I came across randomly. And I'd like to admit I was wrong about judging a book by it's cover. It is something! It's set in a normal environment with characters who are ordinary like anything. But it got so interesting that I didn't sleep today at night just because I did not want to stop watching it. And also it's my weekend, so excuse me.

But the reason for writing this post is deeper. There's this plot where they are discussing about this publication which was named "Hyouka" and solving a mystery as to why. Turns out there was a serious commotion and the person who named it Hyouka named it as a pun. I'll explain. "Hyouka" in Japanese means edible ice, Or ice cream in English. The lower intent was banked around the idea of "I scream". It's so sad. And it makes me infuriated because I freakishly relate to this. Where your words have a meaning. And everyone knows. But no one says anything. And it just makes you feel pathetic. And others ashamed or embarrassed. But the moment dries away from their life, while you live it over and over for no good reason but only to blame yourself because you're too nice to complain.

I'm not talking about me here as such. I mean I relate to it. And I may have been through it. But there are so many people who feel this way at a point in their lives who understand it clearly but like me don't know how to get over it. I do not have a solution either. Maybe we were meant to go through it. Maybe it teaches us something in the long run that I haven't figured out yet. Maybe it's just rotten luck. Who knows? If you figure out someday, I'm all ears. :)

Sign of the times

It's a song by Harry Styles.

I'll let you know how I got here. Where I am right now, at this hour.

I was searching for something traditional to wear on an occasion. And I randomly came across a dress I liked. I moved on. Then this song started going on non-stop in my head. And I thought I'll listen to it instead. Much more improvement than the one in my head. On playing the song I realized how it came in my head. The dress I liked, was named 'sine of the times jumpsuit' apparently.

So about where I am at this hour. Nowhere out of place. Just in my bed, trying to sleep. But the issue is, I keep raising the volume of the song. Mind you, there's only one song playing. On repeat. And since I have to wake up early, I have to sleep! But instead I'm increasing the volume like there's no tomorrow. I want to be sane and listen to my mind. But my impulsive being trashes it away. So I'm just doing what I am right now, ignoring my brain functions. Weariness in my eyes. And summer heat. The song makes it all better actually. We forget about it all if we immerse ourselves into music.

'We gotta get away from here!'

Winging it

Anxiety is what I feel right now.

I am in a place where you just don't know what is right. You just don't know when it will all be right. You don't know how or who would help you get through with it all.

They say work hard, I laugh. Because work is not everything in life.
They say you'll find someone you'll love, and such disbelief washes all over me.
They say it'll be alright. Ha! Where do I even begin.

Nothing seems right. Nothing seems hopeful. So I guess there's just one thing left to do.

Just wing it.

We'll see what may come.

3 am scramblings

I'm sleep deprived.

And I'm at that stage in life where whatever I do, I want it to reflect as positively on my life as possible. Ok, so now what? I am sleep deprived because my brain doesn't shut off like normal people. And when people ask me to do so. I don't obey. Mainly because I think if it works for them doesn't necesserily mean  it will work for me. And secondly, I don't think it is possible for me either. So most of my sleeping time usually goes in trying to catch the sleep train. And hence I've decided, I am gonna let my brain do it's work. I'm gonna let it tire itself out and shut down on its own. Well, I don't know how long I can go through with this but, Imma try.

I thought I'll make this 3am rough book where I'll gather my 3am thoughts. No no, I really have some ground breaking, brain cracking thoughts at around this point of time. So I thought better to get them down on paper than letting them slip by. You know what ideas cost, don't you?

When I was reading this book 'How to live 24 hours a day', I came across this really great thought.

"If my typical man wishes to live fully and completely he must, in his mind, arrange a day within a day. And this inner day, a Chinese box in a larger Chinese box, must begin at 6 p.m. and end at 10 a.m. It is a day of sixteen hours; and during all these sixteen hours he has nothing whatever to do but cultivate his body and his soul and his fellow men. During those sixteen hours he is free; he is not a wage-earner; he is not preoccupied with monetary cares; he is just as good as a man with a private income. This must be his attitude. And his attitude is all important."

What an attitude! What a piece of mind! This article actually inspired me. Well, there are a few consequenses though. Sleep evasion on an undefined schedule. May affect health somehow. But don't you think sometimes what you do and how you do are more important than the after-effects?

So, why not scramble away!