Classics with a bit of Fountainhead rant

Been reading the Fountainhead and I have numerous thoughts across the length of the book. 

Initially I thought why is this book called the Fountainhead anyway? The name suggests the source, the evolution of ideas. Doesn't seem relevant to the plot. Since the main character, Howard Roark barely speaks and only clear knowledge about him is that he loves the earth and creation, which is why he is a hard headed architect. He thinks he's in the right always and that others don't concern him. Ergo, Ego. 

Later on, when his and Domeniquies lives intervine, most of the time I just thought what a hardcore S&M these both have going on in their heads! This is utter nonsense. To be so perfectly understood, I've been looking for it all my life and haven't have any results to show yet. 

The only time I thought anything at all about their love would be when they give each other up and profess their love to one another. 

Clearly I haven't finished reading the book yet and there may be more on it later. But I found myself wondering why aren't books like these written anymore. If they are, where are they? I am annoyed and fed up of practical and self help, non fictions and aspirational ones. No one has patiance anymore. No one wants to read for pleasure anymore. Everyone wants a quick fix for their life. No one wants to admire the creativity anymore! 

The Fountainhead so far that I have read has not revolved around the main character at all! Which is great because the extent of the universe inside the books seems surreal. There is time to tell a back story for Ellesworth. There's time to understand the working of the world the author has created. There's time to relate it to ours. There's so much time and emotions that flow from every character but the Main one. Also since Roark speaks in one word or less, and his thoughts are not presented in the story. Only his actions, and how the world perceives it. And the effects of his being and the after effects of his doing. 

I started this rant for asking more classics from the world. But somehow this has turned into a book review. But the book it still waiting to be read. 

The Classics of the world won't remain if no one read them. If the world is changing so fast, how will classics arise, or be defined? The love for books or the characters won't be formed if there is no time taken to write them. Or read them. 

To the reader in me

I am not particularly fond of classics or books that spew romance or nameless adventure of any kind. 

But if I pick a book I have the patience to read it all. Consume. Acknowledge what the author is portraying. 

I have been able to do this without any thought. But once I named it, once I put a statement that I can do this. I am unable to anymore. Is this some psychological limitation I wonder? 

But up until now, I have started many a books and they have been kept aside. I will take it as a duty to read them well. 

The reason I am writing now about this concerned topic is my speculation that I may not be a usual reader. I am not the one that reads and preaches. I am not the one that reads and gives criticism. I am not reading for information. I read to understand. I read for pleasure. I read for the feel it gives me when I read something worth reading. Of course that means pleasure but in multiple sense. 

I find it welcoming when I understand what the writer is trying to convey. As long as I get the intensions of the writer and it is within acceptable range. I will read.

There are times when I can't keep a book down. That another form of pleasure I seek. The escape from reality to the fantasy world of the creator. I am not in it. I am not the protagonist. I am just a spectator, but I am an avid spectator in this case.   

Another form of pleasure is where there is loads of easy consumable knowledge. One of a kind, or the odd kind maybe?  It is interesting to know the secrets of the world. The workings of it. The thoughts of the writer who can almost draw your life out on the pages without meeting you. or the one who might be interesting on their own. 

Why am I writing about myself anyway? It is for my own pleasure. I realized, that is how I do things. I keep a book down if it no longer pleases me. Or I don't understand it.

Books, in my opinion are an entity devoid of the beings present. They are an amalgamation of imagination drafted into words. They may or may not contain truth. They may or may not come into being. Irrespective of that they keep us hanging, turning pages, mesmerizing. 

I may or may not write anything as such. But I hope to be contended as an avid reader. 

[Ps I may be influenced, definitely infact by "kakegurui". Which is why "pleasure" is in play in this blog.]   

Here is my goodreads for note- https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/34462113-siddhi?shelf=currently-reading 

Outcome oriented 人

 Ok so, you have decided on your goals and you want to work towards them. Your approach could be to be disciplined and work towards your goal. Give it your all. Do the MAX you can. Well that would be input oriented goal. Which is, well, alright I guess.

But since you have decided on your goal, how did you do that? Didn't you think, Ah! it'd be nice if this(your goal) happened. I wish I could make it come true. And you start working towards it. But every time you go to sleep, you append a bit to your imagination. Once you've fulfilled your dream, the luxury, the love, the pride, you start to inculcate it all little by little. You place yourself in your shoes who has achieved the dream, and wander around. Meet people you know and live the life that could be. 

And when you wake up the next day, you try harder towards being that person.

Honestly, this is way too personal. But that is how it is in my head. And it is definitely an outcome oriented goal. I am striving to become that person. But am I wrong to think this way?

I am comparing myself to myself. I didn't think there is anything wrong with the approach itself. But I do understand not being able to achieve a dream. Even when you're constantly trying and think about it. What happened, power of the universe? What happened to laws of attraction? I am not dependent on the arbitrary, non existent forces, of course. I am trying in tiny bits to better myself and become the person I imagine myself to be. 

But it is tremendous burden to carry. Every single day you see the vast difference between yourself and your goals. There is longing, everyday. There is wishful thinking and craving serendipity. And then there is peacefulness to close your eyes and just let yourself from the imagination take over in dreams. Which is why sleep is such a high. This is why people who are depressed crave sleep. Because they spend their time thinking instead of sleeping. Wishful thinking. 

This is what outcome oriented goal is. 

But how do you manage this? By just not thinking about your outcomes, will it help you focus? Even if you are disciplined, do you not have any outcome oriented goals? Is there never even a flicker of the dream? Of course we do, don't we? As a person with purpose, we are always striving to be higher, to be better. 

Is this not what it is? If it is so, is it not desirable? If it is, how is it you get it? How do you get there? How do you become that? 

I think I'd rather invent alternate reality and live mine through. It has been so exhausting just thinking and writing about it all. How do you solve this mess?  

Motivation 対 Discipline

Well if it isn't my forte to preach about 'anything n everything' and doing absolutely nothing about it, then what is? 

Mind you, I do try though. 

BTW the character between the oh so familiar words in the title is 'vs' in Japanese. Since watching anime, my thoughts ruminate in the flashes of Japanese that I now understand (sometimes)

 Honestly, I have been heavily relying on the outside world for the motivation that I lack. And on watching more random motivation/inspiration videos, I get to know all the things I am doing wrong! Motivation is a MYTH they say. It just puts in a mindset for a time being to actually work on your work that you were supposed to work on. And before today, I thought that was a good thing? At least I am getting things done this way. I am getting my emotions, my heart and head aligned to work on a task. 

I have been doing this so I can verify that it is temporary satisfaction. And to start new task, I would have to wait until I actually feel like doing so. 

Somewhere after watching Ali Abdaal I feel like, I should really stop this. Need to instill discipline! Of course this is also momentary motivation. But the feeling that I lack motivation and crave for it is not unreal.

My goals for this framework include writing of course. But I have been wanting to read more and learn to draw picturesquely(I wonder if I can?), workout (Pamela is not going to wait on me, need to catch up!), sleep plenty and wake up on time. I have never attempted to wake up for myself to spend time on myself. It is always work that wakes me up. And I feel ashamed saying this but of course my life is not work. The things that matter we think they will stay irrespectively. But once the time is gone, there is no turning back. So lets do what we can, if we can?