I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember bits and pieces. And as far as I can tell, as I am now I think I was way silly. Or way different. And there has been a major drastic change. But if I had to go back and be that girl, would I?
I think it's because you don't know you're doing anything wrong unless someone tells you that you are.
I am afraid of heights. I mean not a vertigo type, but in general. What would a fall from this height do to you kind of thing. But I have this memory of childhood where me and my friends would sit on the edge on a rooftop. I wasn't afraid. I was concerned of course. And now that I think about it, it seems very foolish that we did that because it was very risky. But we didn't realize somehow. Later an adult caught us sitting so and complained to our parents. I hardly went to the rooftop anymore after that. And that is somehow the fear was set.
I am not sure what am I trying to achieve here in this blog post. But I think I saw the world and I learnt to be afraid of things. Sane and not so sane things.
Like once I was singing on top of my voice, horribly actually but just for fun. Just coz I wanted to. Using a toy instrument, trying to irritated my grandma maybe? It's a little hazy, the memory. But yeah that's what I was doing. And later I realized my friends have been calling out to me from my window and I couldn't hear their voice coz it was drowned in my crappy singing. And -they heard the whole thing and burst out laughing. I laughed with them ofcourse. But I was embarrassed a little. And I guess since then I do think about such situations before singing out loud, and terribly if I'm going to.
I mean what's the harm you would say. But to a person like me it affects a little. I think about it before going to sleep or 18 years later. And there are numerous such instances I have not even tried to uncover. Or I picked them up unconsciously?
And the worse thing is, without even realising I have piled these fears on top of each other and I don't know how to unravel. Maybe we just learn to live with it? Is it?
