That kind of person

What kind of person am I?

I'm that kind of person who would listen to others so that they don't feel hurt. I'm that kind of person who tries not to put myself down but I still somehow end there. I'm so not great at communicating. Nor I'm good  at lying. So I better not lie about communication. I'm not good at explaining myself. But does that matter?
To me it does not. Because I think that the people who do want to know me will try their best to know me. And who don't, I couldn't care less. Or that's what I want to feel like.

Missings

I hate feelings.

When you have enough, you don't realize how you'd feel when you're at the loss of it. Maybe you didn't even think about it. Mostly because there was no possibility of losing that thing or that person.
But when it came to that point in time that I feel so freaking sad and I miss that person(in my case) so badly that I may start to cry.
Maybe I didn't realise the value or the effect or the habit of that person being constantly around that I so badly don't wanna break.
It's said that when something you feel deeply is captured by your subconscious. And you dream of it at times. I don't know about how true this is. But I do feel deeply and I don't want to lose or want things to change.

Wish we could go back as we were. Or maybe better.

Little me

I'd heard about little mix. Although I'd never actually heard any of their songs. But I recently did. And I really liked them.

This song "little me" specifically touched my heart. It's about what she'd say to her younger self. What advice she'd give.

So I've been thinking.

What would I say to little siddhi?

Idk. Maybe something like you're gonna grow up just fine? That you're gonna be a nice person. That life is never easier but you still get by. That it's crude and greasy but simple and sweet. That life works out some way or the other. That people would be good to you. That they'd love you. But not always. They also have their own people. But they'll be there for you. That you are gonna be someone. That don't be afraid to take initiative because people love such people. To drink more water, maybe? That follow your dream. The rest will follow you. That you're smart and good hearted. You're so not a dangerous person (laughs out loud). That you'd love to cry at nights and pretend nothing happened the next day. That you'd love to laugh out more than speak. That your smile could break hearts (or so they'd say). That you're so nice that you could be manipulated. But karma will get them.. Don't worry. That you'd never have the best of luck but you'd be so much better even without it. That you're a sensible person just listen to yourself.

*writes all this at 6 am and cries *

You could never change. But you are the best you could be.

Sad tragic

I never thought I'd feel this low again. Just when you think things are going your way, they fall apart. Break your heart.
Its that feeling when you want people to leave just so that you can gather your thoughts. Think about all the shame and embarrassment you've brought yourself. Stuff a pillow to your mouth and try and scream and cry out loud.
I love these outbursts. After these, you feel empty. Numb. Like nothing can hurt you anymore. This is rock bottom. How deep can you even go?! And I do love starting new. But each and every time?
I've kinda grown tired of this too. I'm just done. I wish things were different. I wish I was living someone else's life instead of my own. I give up.
I don't know what people expect from me. I don't even know if they do?! And if they don't value you, you do you have the need to please them any more? I've always disliked the people pleasing kind of people. And I so don't want to be one of them. But necessity is a bitch! Makes you do weird stuff. Firstly I'm not even liking the life I'm living and secondly, I've got to please people? And I so have how dumb I behave. I'm so not this dumb. God, what's happened to me?
What do I do? How do I do? When what why? I wish I'd get out of this mess hole asap or at least something worth striving for comes along. Turn damn tables, turn!

Asking for less

I saw this in a TV series that I'm watching. 'silicon Valley', would've heard? We always want more. Then we're disappointed when what expected does not happen. So, what if we'd asked for less in the beginning? We wouldn't be disappointed then.

I have this thing, I can't stand it when I disappoint anybody. Be it anybody. I feel hell lot guilty. But I guess in some cases it shouldn't matter! I don't want to be mad at myself for disappointing someone who may never even amount anything in my lifetime or someone who I really don't care about much. What's said is right -  it's good, letting go! I wish I didn't care. So it's sometimes better to not even raise the bar so high that people expect lot from you.
The downside is while you're walking this road, you might not know how far you could go! You might try and limit yourself but that won't do good.
Now here are two separate things I'm talking about. Limiting people and limiting goals. From my point of view, limiting goals is a big NO. But I certainly want to make an effort of limiting the people part. I'm not good at it. I wish. But I'm not.

Potentially potential

I had a kind of good week. When someone treats you special, it freaking feels good! My manager gave me a special task. Then he gave me another special task. Just thinking what a good word I'd get if I accomplish it! But for that, I need to accomplish it.
And when a cute someone also treats you like Queen and you start to get a little closer, oh that moment! And you're introvert, but people are trying to get you involved and you give in all your vulnerabilities and you start to become good friends.
Well, it was a little snatched away. It was either this or that. And I chose this. So I gotta like with this. Idk how it's gonna turn out.
Ok so back to budding potential, the dream is at it's end. You got to travel where the ends meet. That's how you follow your dream. And change! Oh the difference change makes. So, I got an IST shift. My parents will be freaking happy. But I was so close to making good friends with the people. Aww man!
I'll be back. And I'll be back with a bang. The advantage of being different is that you get to shock people more often by doing something, and sometimes anything! It's a terrible privilege. Being different.

Wantness

So, I was watching this tv series called 'awkward' which is shit load melodramatic. And I always thought I was that type of girl who's into action movies and soccer games and dirty humour. But I realize that sometimes I just like to watch laid back chick flicks, and romedy stuff that tags along. I love crying while watching stuff. But only when I'm alone.
It's so crazy that a girl like me goes nuts over stuff like having a best friend who you share your world with. Maybe not everything, but when the time is right and the moment is perfect. I don't have one per se but after watching all the dramatic scenes, I kinda feel like I want one. Thus almost makes me text all my friends at once. But who am I kidding. Our lives are not directed and produced and acted upon. So, who knows what it will turn out like. I've heard somewhere, probably I've seen this on Facebook that our personality for next day is 30% of the movie we watched just then. I feel it. All that stuff, I want. All those talks, I want. All those scenes, I hella want!
It's a preposterous phenomenon. But i freaking want! Ok, I feel like I'm just using big words, but I do want! Alright.

Disappointment

I'm scared of disappointing anyone. Be it any person. I just don't like to. I feel guilty later on. And if you know me, I carry guilt for a long long time. It's so not good for mental health. Oh, I'm worried for myself now.
What is disappointment in all? It's that moment  when you see that person's face and you come to know that the person thought you were something different. But you're not. It's that leftover feeling after everything that you could've done so much better but you didn't even try. It's that sick sick moment when you want to scream to justify yourself and  vomit at the same time because of over tune guilt. I hate disappointment.
But it's a lesson of life. How do we manage it? What if I know I'm going to disappoint someone today itself. How do I handle it? Because that's the situation I'm currently in. So, I just go there and listen and take all the shame that comes my way? Even if I try to explain, I would never be good enough. I obviously didn't want to be in this place. But now that I am, I have no idea how I'm gonna turn this around.

"Have a little faith in people, who knows you might be surprised some day. "

Rise above

It's a fine line we walk.
When we're doing better than others, we're alright.
When others take a little bit of step forward before you, you feel so threatened. And you think maybe you should too! And you try but you don't know if that step is there for you or no.

So, two things can happen. If there is a step, you'd rise higher than you were before and match the height of your opponent. Or if there isn't a step for you, you fall. Or you may get lost or something.

So what happens now?

Nothing at all

Sometimes, I just wanna do nothing. Looks like I'm super depressed and stuff, but I'm alright. I just want a break from life. And now that mom and dad are outta town, I get to. But if it weren't for my little brother, I wouldn't even think about lunch and  dinner. Actually I don't want to. It's just I have to.
So, today morning has been all chilled. All I want to do and have don't is nothing. I didn't want to comb my hair. I haven't even showered yet. And that's mostly because there's no water, coz I forgot to fill it up. But that's fine. I don't want to dress up or clean my house. I don't want to open the windows or water my plants. It's rainy season, they'll survive. I don't want to have food basically. I could just eat snacks. I don't want to reply to any text messages or receive calls. And it's just a day or two I need. I just want to sleep and rest and watch tv series. Without the tension of getting it all together. It's just my day. And I want to spend it My way.

About tonight

Ugh. I feel like I've been robbed! Why do people do stuff without letting you know and you know they did it because you took them for granted and they got mad. But still, why?
I saw the darkest nights today as I came alone, without any company, home. It was alright though. A warning would've been good!
Huuuuh! Ok so what's done is done. About the rest of the night, I may become a pro in carrom of I keep working here I tell you! But its fun. There are good people. I just wish they'd find me a cool person too! I'm not. But what's in expecting?! I wish I was. But I don't want to be someone I'm not. It's such a complex thing. It's like life is a paradox.
When does it get simpler I wonder.

About me

I don't know where to start.
OK so to start with, I say "I don't know" a lot. I have no long term goal, I kinda go with the flow. I do have a dream though. Which may or may not come true. I am a firm believer in -  if you deserve it, you'll get there(just not in my case. And that's the reason  why I'm upset most of the time.) I'm a nice person, On the outside. On the inside I may vary. (I'm saying so coz I'm actually sick of being called nice) I don't hate anybody. I just don't care. I'm that kind of person to whom if you'd say fuck off, I won't say anything to you. Mostly coz I don't know how to reply. I don't say the f word. (I do, in my mind and when I write, like right now ) Sea faces make me sad. I have a slight idea but it's a long concept. I love the color black. I wanna have number of boots. And also average boobs (I don't think that's gonna happen) and I wanna have good number of books. Phew! Triple B's I want. Ok so I'd decided since id started earning a little, I'll buy a pair of shoes, a branded dress and a book from my each months salary. I wanna have a walk in closet and my own  library someday. Ok so this sounds like my wish list.
I usually like making first impressions and new starts I love organizing stuff. I love dogs. And I hate my hair. I used to be a football freak. Now I'm just a girl who knows to play football and used fangirl. I like being quiet. I am comfortable with super quiet too. I like surrounding myself with people with good sense of humour. Well, I don't have it but I wish I did. And I like people who are everyone's favourite ( I still ha e to R&D why it is so). I prefer guys company over girls but I'm mostly comfortable with a girls company. I don't have a best friend. I have number of close friends and a cousin sister. I love my dad the most and my mom's cool. I never seem to be OK saying goodbye. Idk I just don't like saying it or maybe I know I'm gonna meet this person again. Or maybe I bid goodbye to only those people who I'd miss when I'm gone. Sleeping, bathing and reading are like my hobbies. I don't like to gloat but I don't like it when people don't give credit whenever needed.
So, now I'm going on and on. I don't now where to stop. Alright. I believe that it all turns out alright in the end and you're a piece of a puzzle. You'll fit. Someday. I don't believe in love. At least not yet. We'll see when it happens. I have a lot of crushes and one direction boys are top 4 of them. ( Harry styles  *drools*)
I love good food and I'd go out and food explore. But I don't wanna spend unnecessary money. I want a lot of things, but I'm also ok getting the ones I need. I have a poetry blog and I write lyrics. No I don't know to play any instrument. I'm a sporty person. Love running and jumping. Trekking. Music, mostly retro. TV series are life, The  English kind. I like watching chick flicks whenever I'm sad. My ideal date would be, in the bed, with popcorn or chicken nuggets (I don't mind any other food too) and watching movies or TV series (anything is fine by me).  I may have a one track mind but I'd like to think I don't. I do judge people. And I like them for their whatevers. There are some people that matter to me most ( currently). I love late night talks or chats. I like it when I'm adored. I don't like it when I'm teased. I try to navigate back to why I had this dream.
And I seriously don't know when to stop. I feel ashamed a lot. I feel guilt the longest. I like to show that I don't care even when I do. I like breeze on my face. And I do want to dance in the rain and kiss someone I love and run wildly in an open Field. And I want to be somebody. Someone. I like being different. And sometimes I cry because I am. I may not be the smartest but I am so not dumb. I do want to turn dreams into reality. But I don't know how to. And I really don't talk as much as I write. And I'm afraid if someone I know reads this, they might think of me as weird and stupid but well, I don't care. I try not to. Ok I'm stopping here. Peace out!

Pre morning thoughts

It is known fact that when you're in trouble or tense, your butt clenches automatically. And when you're released from this haphazard, it unclenches. Weirdly enough, my butt is clenched half the time. So does that mean I'm stressed half the time?
I do take a lot of tension. And recently I've been taking a lot of it. Coz every single thing I do, I've began to doubt myself. Like, maybe this is my mistake. I must've done something wrong. ( Louise Hay where are you!) I know I shouldn't self doubt so much. My performance is decreasing because of it. But how can I not? I'm making freaking silly mistakes.
I wish I could go back and have the same self confidence I had 3 years back. Man, I rocked! But now what?
And u really don't like being teased. A little bit is fine. But In my perspective, teasing is a way of gathering someone's attention. You try to peek into someone's life and revert back at them? It seems senseless to me. And I don't do that to people. But somehow the topic just lands up on me. And I just can't seem to handle it well. I don't have a lot of experience speaking to people. So it's a little to hard. I wish it wasn't. I wish I was bad mouthed sometimes so that I could atleast protect my self respect.
It's been a long night. And I've been through a lot. Or so it would seem. Night world. Or morning it is?

Being different

Sometimes I wish I was different. I wish I had a certain uniqueness in me. But I just don't possess anything like it. I'm literally no one(not referring to game of Thrones) . A nobody. I don't have a talk. I don't have a walk. I'm not especially liked by people. And I'm just not 'it'!
Sometimes I just started at things when I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I let time take its course and hope it won't bother me again. But it does. And it does bad. And I fuck up over and over again. Now who says I don't Learn? I've been freaking trying to. Also trying to do more including to holding on to what I already have. Though not much.
When do tables turn? When do good times come around? When do you feel you're definitely worth something and you deserve it? Coz I've been waiting a long time for it all.

Feeling good

Sometimes things just go the right way. So smoothly, you don't even realize it until they're done with.
Today was one of those days. I loved doing my work, because what I did turned out good! This made me do more work. And made me soft and helping towards others as well. I like this me. This me does not take a negative thing to the heart. This me just looks for another positive one.
Let there be more days like this. This is good.

Jealousy

My life has a blanket of sadness over it. All freaking over it! Which I just don't know how to lift off of me.
Me, I'm a girl of little, or no words actually. I really like to listen though. I see those extra shiny personality people and I'm like, "what's wrong with them?"  i never really liked butt licking, loud and and fake type of people. Although those are ones I think kind of have a lining to their personality like, are really popular or may seem like good friends or are easy to talk to.
Now, I really don't know if I want to be that person. On the other hand I also don't want God to give them everything they wish for. That's unfair. He never gives me everything I need?! Some people just have it so easy. Not complaining, they might have other problems or so. But why does my life suck so bad? I want to have good moments and remember them. I want to feel ok.

Crushes scrushes

Well I have a crush on this guy. And this guy I really don't know if he feels the same way about me. I don't want to indulge anything. But I wish I knew.

Crushes are minor distractions. And my sister says, "they're healthy". You sometimes really need them. But what when these crushes turn into something real and deep? Who knows what the next moment brings?

So, let's hope I don't fall into that pit.
Good luck, sid!

The unquenchable thirst

I really have no idea where to stop.

5 minutes ago I came to know I cleared engineering with first class. People I know are so happy. Putting pictures on instagram, making statuses and what not..

Why not me?

Why do I have this feeling that I haven't accomplished anything yet? I want more. There's so much more. And I know it's out there - the knowledge. I just feel like I don't have enough. When would I feel Complete? Satisfied? That I've done something with my life?

I don't know how to get there. But I promise myself, I'll resolve this mystery and I will get there!

Embarrassment

Sometimes life throws you lemons.

Well I've thought I've had it all.. And just when you think that, there's some freakish surprise right around the corner.

I know when life is going to throw or atleast I intercept it. Or I used to. And sometimes they hit you and sometimes they don't. But that doesn't stop you.

But today! Oh today!

Well life gave me sweet limes, lemons, lemon juice, everything lemon is part of.

It's like you miss two stairs and skip a heartbeat and go crashing down the stairwell.

How do you reciprocate from this condition? Or do you just leave it for time to pass by and heal itself?

What's wrong with call centers?

Well, long night. Mostly because I work night shifts at work. Before you assume what you're going to assume, let me specify!

I do not work in a call center. I work in a market research firm. I'm a junior freaking programmer!!

So when I get back home, these aunties that take morning walks call me up and ask, "dear, you working at call center?"

Why do people assume? And what is even wrong working at call centers? It's not a strip club for you to have problems with!

Freaking Indian mentality.

On the edge

I've been extremely smart or I've been extremely dumb. I've been extremely happy or I've been extremely sad. I've been completely ignorant or I've been possessed freak.

There is just no freaking in-between!

What do you want?

When I was little, I wanted to become a scientist. I grew up a little, I wanted to be an nuclear engineer(like work on nuclear fission and stuff). After that some time later, I had a rough going and I got knee deep into songwriting. I don't know how. But I liked it. And a little later, I thought "maybe I should sing my own songs"  because who could sing the lyrics I wrote better than myself? And now I am, doing none of the above mentioned things but still hoping I'll make them true someday! 
Why does this happen? Why can't you just DECIDE and cut through. Why do you have to be pushy and go the way life flows and not the way you want it to? 
I don't have answers. I'm still figuring it out.

La la la love

So what is this “love” thing exactly?

I've asked many people this. But the definition just doesn't feel right. So I've got a new one.

What does being in love mean? Well, you don't know. But you will know when you're in it's deep shit.

So being in love comes with a lots of pain and commitment. It's a new journey altogether. It's a new phase of your life. It's a huge deal.

So when you're in trouble, do you break off or you resolve? You freaking RESOLVE! Breaking up may seem like the easiest thing. But so not the right one. So the easy or the right?

A daughter's dream

Being Indian and 21 is a great deal. There's a lot of pressure to cope up with. Finishing a degree, finding a right job (the one you love and live), finding a right guy( maybe?) or you could be still searching what you want. OR you'd be the one who has gone through it all and finally living the live they dreamt.

But there's this one little thing that I want to do before I start living my life the way I want. To ease my dad's burden. Well, when someone does something for you, you don't suffice it with “thanks” always, do you? No. You return the favour. And after all dad's do for you, that's the least you can do.

Dad's everywhere are heros. Respect.