Sad tragic

I never thought I'd feel this low again. Just when you think things are going your way, they fall apart. Break your heart.
Its that feeling when you want people to leave just so that you can gather your thoughts. Think about all the shame and embarrassment you've brought yourself. Stuff a pillow to your mouth and try and scream and cry out loud.
I love these outbursts. After these, you feel empty. Numb. Like nothing can hurt you anymore. This is rock bottom. How deep can you even go?! And I do love starting new. But each and every time?
I've kinda grown tired of this too. I'm just done. I wish things were different. I wish I was living someone else's life instead of my own. I give up.
I don't know what people expect from me. I don't even know if they do?! And if they don't value you, you do you have the need to please them any more? I've always disliked the people pleasing kind of people. And I so don't want to be one of them. But necessity is a bitch! Makes you do weird stuff. Firstly I'm not even liking the life I'm living and secondly, I've got to please people? And I so have how dumb I behave. I'm so not this dumb. God, what's happened to me?
What do I do? How do I do? When what why? I wish I'd get out of this mess hole asap or at least something worth striving for comes along. Turn damn tables, turn!